


Bad Boys Never Change!

by ToriTarantino84



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series), Karate Kid (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Childhood Friends, Collateral Damage, Difficult Decisions, Emotional Hurt, F/M, First Love, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Lies, Prison, Prison Sex, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:40:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 46,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28502382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToriTarantino84/pseuds/ToriTarantino84
Summary: This is a sequel to My Cobra Kai Bad boy.Dutch and Vanessa had been married for 4 years when their whole world came crashing down around them.You see Dutch had a secret, a deep dark secret that he hid from everyone including his wife and she only found out when it was too late, when she couldnt do anything to save him or her family.
Relationships: Carmen Diaz & Johnny Lawrence, Dutch (Karate Kid)/Original Female Character(s), Mike Barnes/original female character, Shannon Keene/Johnny Lawrence
Comments: 52
Kudos: 29





	1. New Year, New Plans

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to My Cobra Kai Bad Boy so please ensure that you have read that first or this story wont make much sense.
> 
> This part of Vanessa and Dutchs story will eventually tie in with the Cobra Kai series and follows along with Dutchs canon story.

New Years Eve 2008

In the 3 years that me and Dutch have been married our life has been ridiculously perfect. We have a beautiful baby girl called Ava Ameila who is now 2 years old and a son called Leo from my previous relationship who is now 8. 

We spend all our free time together, either with the kids or in bed satisfying each other. Otherwise he is at the racetrack or working at his auto shop and I am back working as a Dr at the general hospital part time so I can have a nice work life balance, literally my life couldnt be more perfect.

Tonight is New Years Eve and we are hosting the Party this year. Dutch comes in from work covered in motor oil in his overalls he knows he drives me wild when he looks all scruffy and dirty.

"Hey beautiful, have you had a good day?" He greets me with a kiss.

"Yeah perfect, kids have been little Angel's, Leo is just playing on his computer in his room and Ava is just having a sleep ready for tonight, so you know what that means?" I say unzipping his overalls and then leading him into the bathroom.

He gets my meaning, smirking he follows me into the shower, where I strip off my clothes and step into the hot and steamy shower.

"Shit I've missed you today" and I can see how much as he is rising to the occasion and his considerable length is bursting at the seams of his boxers, he removes them and springs himself free.

I literally salivate at the sight of him standing their all naked, sweaty, hard, all tanned and tattooed. I need him touching me right now.

"Get in here now! you sexy bastard!" He chuckles that deep laugh that turns me on so much and then he steps into the shower, grabbing me with his strong hands and kissing me passionately, claiming me with his mouth, marking me everywhere as his.

He flips me around and I lean against the shower wall as he enters me roughly from behind. As he moves in and out of me he bites down on my neck and shoulders, nibbling, sucking and kissing me. God he makes me feel so good and wanted.

We finish off and then clean each other in the shower, and then start to get ready for our party and guests tonight.

* * *

Emily arrives first to the party with her husband my cousin Mike Barnes, they got married last summer on Malibu beach and now she is 8 months pregnant and really looks like a vision how does she look so good even pregnant it's not fair.

"Hey gorgeous, how are you and bump today?" I say cuddling her and giving her bump a kiss and a rub.

"Ah I'm doing well, just cant wait for him to be out now, and I think Mike agrees he is fed up of my mood swings." 

"Where is Mike? Why has he not come to see his favourite cousin?" 

"He was here a minute ago? Men huh! he has probably gone to get drunk so he can deal with my crap!"

I walk into the kitchen and see Dutch and Mike appearing to have a heated conversation out in the garden area.

"Um what's going on?" I say walking outside. They quickly shut up when they see me.

"Hey Ness, happy new year." Mike says kissing me on the cheek. I eye them both suspiciously as Mike walks back into the house.

"Dutch, what's that about? Why were you and Mike arguing?" In the past few years, Mike and Dutch have become really close, they go away to the races together and spend alot of time either at the shop or the dojo so to see them fighting is really disconcerting.

He kisses me "Nothing babe, it's nothing honestly, dont worry about it." He smiles but I can see he is worried, but he leads me back inside where the guests have all started to arrive. I hate this as we have no secrets, that was our deal no lies, no secrets, we tell each other everything this is not like him at all.

* * *

All our friends arrive and the party is in full swing, I'm still unnerved by what I saw early especially as I can see that the two of them are clearly avoiding each other and Mike is avoiding me.

I go into the kitchen and grab Emily and pull her aside. "What the hell is going on with Mike and Dutch? Why were they arguing earlier?"

"I dont know what you mean, I know nothing about it, probably just a lover's tiff, seriously I am worried about those two, I always say if Mike is going to leave me it will be for Dutch!" She tries to make light of it but I feel she is hiding something from me too. What the hell is going on?

I dont like this especially as I have my own little secret that I'm waiting to divulge to my husband and dont like the idea that he is hiding something from me.

* * *

We are getting ready for the midnight countdown, I pull Dutch aside so we have a little privacy in the corner. As we all countdown from 10, I pull something out of my purse and place it in his big hand and kiss him as everyone shouts Happy New Year around us. He pulls away and looks down in his hand to see the positive pregnancy test that I took earlier today. His eyes enlarge "Really? Oh my god" he picks me up, swings me around kissing me.

"Shhh I dont want anyone to know yet, its early early stages, I am only 2 weeks late if that"

He cant stop smiling that beautiful lopsided smile that I adore so much. We have been trying for a baby for over a year now with no luck at all, and everytime I got my period it was like a knife through my heart. We kept thinking it just wasnt meant to be as we were both getting older, maybe our family was done but now we have finally been blessed again.

Surely this means 2009 was going to be a great year for us. I didnt know then just how wrong I could be.


	2. Baby Barnes is born.

February 2009

Emily has asked me to be her birthing partner, so I'm all prepared for when I get the phone call that she has gone into labour on the morning of Valentine's day.

"Dutch, that was Mike on the phone, Emily has gone into labour so I'm going to head up to the hospital now, I'll call work and let them know I wont be in today but I'll need you to take Leo to and from school and you'll have to watch Ava for me as I dont know how long I'll be there and obviously cant take her with me."

"Vanessa I cant take Ava, I've...I've got a full day planned at work it's not safe for her to be there."

"What, you've took her there before? The guys love her...hmmmpf Well can you drop her to your moms, come on Dutch I need help today. What is going on with you? you've been so stressed and distant recently."

"Nothings going on for fucks sake. Leave it with me I'll take her to my moms then."

"Ok thank you. I'll keep you updated with what's going on." 

He goes to walk out the door, shouting Leo to hurry up and grabs the kids things.

"Um Dutch are you forgetting something." I say looking perplexed he never leaves without kissing me, in fact I have to usually peel him off my before we are both late.

He comes back and gives me a quick peck and says he will talk to me later. We really do need to talk that's for sure, this past month he has been so down and distant with me, we haven't touched since New Year, since I found out I was expecting again. I thought he was happy, I thought we were happy but I just dont know what's going on with him lately.

Anyway I cant think of that right now, I need to get to the hospital to support my best friend and my cousin on their special day.

* * *

I arrive at the hospital and get sent to the maternity suite to see Mike looking stressed to hell, and Emily shouting profanities at him. For such a cute little blonde thing she really has a mouth like a sailor.

"Hey guys never fear Ness is here." I say coming in and kissing my friend and hugging my cousin. "Hows it all going along?"

"Oh just great, apart from I feel like I'm being torn apart and this bastard and his dirty dick are all to blame for my pain and suffering." Emily shouts.

"Yeah we are doing just swell here, I saw you turn into a devil in labour and I thought it was just you being a bitch, didnt realise it happened to every woman." Mike says shaking his head.

"Seriously Ness how could you do this more than once. Are you some kind of sadist?" She says through gritted teeth. They dont know I'm pregnant again yet as I didnt want to overshadow her pregnancy and birth.

Me and Mike are helping her through it all, and after many hours and having to listen to Emily tell Mike she hates him, wishing for a divorce and telling him that he will never get to have sex with her ever again. We finally get to meet their baby a big bouncing 8lb baby boy who they call Bodhi Barnes I have to laugh at this as point break was always his favourite movie but I never believed he would actually call his son after his favourite character.

* * *

I call Dutch and tell him about the new baby in the family and that I would be home soon.

I stay with my friends until I can have a cuddle off my new baby cousin I love him already such a cute little chubster. Then I head home to deal with whatever shit is going on with my husband.

* * *

I arrive home to see Dutch sitting at the counter with a half empty bottle of whiskey and a shot glass in front of him.

"Dutch what the hell is going on? Are you drunk? Where are the kids?"

"They are at my moms" he says slightly slurring his words.

"Dutch what is going on with you, you have been so stressed and distant with me and I feel its since I told you about the baby. Do you not want this baby?"

He just looks down and then pours himself another shot 

I get in his space now, angry frustrated and start shouting at him "You wanted the baby Dutch, you were the one who wanted to keep trying, what next? do you not want me? You're never here anymore whether that's physically or mentally, you haven't come near me in months. Is there someone else?"

He rubs his face with his hand, "Vanessa stop speaking, just please shut up for one second. Not everything is about you, theres shit going on here that you just wouldnt understand and it's just all so shit and complicated"

"Well tell me then, talk to me, you said you could tell me anything, so tell me! you are really worrying me now."

"Vanessa, I cant, i just cant and I'm saying that just to protect you, the less you know the better I promise you." He keeps downing more shots.

"Babe please stop it." I say and try and grab the bottle off him a couple of times and finally manage to snatch it off him.

"Vanessa give it back, give it back now" he stands up to follow me and goes to grab the bottle off me.

"No, I'm not going to let you destroy yourself, and I wont stand by and watch you throw a pity party for one" 

He gets pissed now, but I'm not scared I know he would never raise a hand to me in anger. He pins me against the kitchen counter to grab the bottle, so I throw it aiming for the sink but I hear it bounce off the side and then the bottle smashes into pieces spilling the remaining liquid everywhere.

"Fuck sake Vanessa" he grabs my face hard, and in that split second I am a little frightened as something flashes in his eyes but then he plants a hard passionate kiss on my lips, he tastes of whisky and cigarettes. He rips open the buttons on my shirt, totally ruining it, he then pulls my bra down and takes my breast in his mouth, making me let out a shocked moan.

"Dutch wait?" 

"Please Babe, just shut up, I need this, I need you please."

I then follow his lead and undo his belt buckle and buttons and pull down his Jean's and boxers. I remove my leggings and he lifts me up to the edge of the kitchen counter he curses when he sees that my panties are still on and rips them off with his strong hands. He laps at my centre ensuring that I'm wet enough and ready for him. Then he enters me in one fast thrust making us both moan out loud.

Theres nothing nice and loving about this, he is being rough, pounding in and out of me as I scratch at his back and pull at his hair. He needs me to allow him to take out his stress and frustration on me I can feel his neediness he is desperate and wild and doesn't last long.

"Jeez Dutch what the hell was that? what's going on with you." I say panting.

He looks down and I can see tears are spiking his eyes, he looks up and sees my ripped, shirt, panties and the marks on my chest and neck and this snaps him back to reality.

"Oh my god Babe I didnt hurt you? Did I? I'm sorry I dont know what came over me."

"Its ok, I'm ok Sweetie" I say pulling him into my arms holding him and allowing him to let out his frustration this time by crying on me. "You are scaring me though, you need to talk to me."

"I will I promise, i will when i know it's safe to, do you think i like keeping secrets from you? You are my everything, and I do want the baby and you and there has never and will never be someone else I promise you that. You truly are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm just terrified that I'm going to lose you."

"You aren't going to lose me ever, no matter what just as long as you promise to talk to me when you can. Come on let's get cleaned up and get you sober and fed."

I'm scared, really scared now, something bad is going on with my husband and it terrifies me that I dont know what the hell it could be.


	3. Bad News on my Doorstep

May 2009

I'm just enjoying a nice chilled saturday afternoon as Its just me and Ava at home and after a swim in the pool she is now having her afternoon nap when hear my doorbell ring.

I'm surprised to find Johnny and Bobby at the front door.

"Hey guys, hows things, Dutch isnt here, him, Leo and Mike are at the racetrack this weekend."

They share a look between them, that I cant read. "Actually Ness, we have come to talk to you?" Bobby says.

"Oh, ok come in then." I say leading them through the house and sitting outside on the patio as it's such a nice spring day.

"Can I get you guys anything? Beer? Coke? Coffee?" I ask both of them.

"Yeah I'll take a beer" says johnny 

"Nothing for me Ness thanks."

I grab Johnny his beer and grab myself an ice tea.

"So what's going on guys? Not that I'm not grateful to be visited by such handsome men, but I'm guessing this isnt a social call."

"Ness you're not gonna like what we have to say, but you are going to have to hear us out and just let us finish ok?"

"Ok.....come on guys spit it out you are scaring me now?"

Bobby takes a deep breath and then starts "Emily came to me really upset and stressed out and confided in me about something she found out about Mike. She said she knew something was up with him and that he was hiding something from her." I tense up as this all sounds a bit to familiar.

"She said she found wads of cash and drugs hidden in a compartment in their sons wardrobe. When she confronted him with it, he said that he had been smuggling and selling drugs and was cleaning the cash through his and Johnny's dojo."

"Shit, oh my god, Johnny did you have any idea? I mean is this true?" I interject as I'm so shocked.

"Yeah I thought the figures were a bit high, but thought nothing of it until Bobby came to me and told me this. We checked over the books and Mike has definitely been cooking the books for quite awhile now." Johnny shakes his head in disapproval.

"That's awful I'm sorry Johnny, I know he is my cousin but what can I do about it? I cant believe Emily never said anything to me the poor thing."

They give each other that look again. "What, what is it?"

"Emily was scared to tell you, as Mike said this is all Dutchs doing and his idea." Bobby says silently.

"WHAT??? What a crock of shit. She actually said it was Dutchs doing?"

"Ness listen please, Mike told her Dutch had been running drugs from Mexico and was selling them at his race meetings and away weekends for years and has been cleaning money through his shop for ages, it was getting too much for one place so asked Mike to come on board so he could run the extra money through the Dojo, that's why I'm getting out and selling my shares I cant be linked to this." Johnny says.

"So you just fucking believe her, without even talking to Dutch, your best friend since school." I am shaking and have to stand up. "Call Emily and get her here fucking NOW I want to hear it from her"

"She doesn't know that we are here, she swore me to secrecy but I had to tell Johnny as he had to know what was going on with his business and I had tell you as you deserved to know what was going on, did you really not know any of this?"

"What that I'm married to fucking El Chapo, no I didn't know this and I dont believe it for a fucking second. I would know surely? How could he lead this double life without me knowing?" I start to cry and collapse to the floor.

Bobby comes to pick me up "This is another reason why she didn't want to tell you, because of your delicate condition, as she didnt want to upset you. But Ness you told Emily that Dutch had been distant and that you could tell that something was bothering him and he was hiding something from you. " 

"Yeah I thought he was cheating on me, not that he was a fucking drug runner, what am I supposed to do with this information and what are you guys going to do m, apart from distance yourself from it all." I say giving Johnny the side eye.

"Fucking hell Vanessa, if the cops look into my business I'll go down with them all, and I didnt have anything to do with it at all, I have a kid I cant go down for this." Johnny shouts back.

"And what about me, Dutch and our children?" I say shaking my head in disbelief.

"No offense Vanessa, but this is Dutch's problem he is the one who has been doing it and lying to all of us for years, he is the one who never thought of you and the kids." Johnny says

I lose it then "Get out, both of you, just get the fuck out of my house!" johnny shakes his head and goes to walk out.

"Vanessa please see sense I'm trying to help you, now isnt the time to push away your friends. Talk to Dutch, and see what he says. I hope we are wrong Ness I really do. But if we arent you've got to protect yourself and the kids." Bobby says trying to reason with me.

I just turn my back on them I cant deal with anymore of this. How could any of this be true, how could he lie to me and hide this side of himself.

* * *

Dutch arrives back from the tracks on sunday morning with Leo. I had spoken to him on the phone but hadn't mentioned my little visitors I needed to see his face when I spoke to him.

I give Leo a cuddle when he gets back and greet Dutch as if nothing is wrong. Leo goes into the den to watch cartoons with his sister as I take Dutch into the kitchen to talk to him.

"Dutch I really need to talk to you about something? Johnny and Bobby came to visit me and they had some really disturbing news to tell me, and I want to know if it's true or not so think carefully before you answer me as I'll know if you are lying."

He looks worried and then when I tell him what the guys told me, I just know that it's all true and that my life will never ever be the same again.

"Fucking hell Dutch, how can you be so stupid, have you thought what would happen to you or us if you ever got caught."

"I wont get caught Babe I've been doing it for about 8 years and I've never been caught."

"Oh so that makes it better! I mean it's just crazy as you've now dragged my cousin, Emily , Johnny and Bobby into this you dumb bastard. We could all get in shit"

"You guys are all clean, no one can link it to you and I'm safe and sensible where I sell and transfer the stuff to and from." 

"Hold on I just thought, if you do buy and sell on these weekends I've been with you, my fucking son goes with you, have you been selling this weekend?"

He turns away and I know the answer.

"You fucking prick, you have brought drugs and drug money around my little boy are you stupid?" I start throwing things from the side at him a book, Avas toy but then I hit him with a glass which shatters as it hits him, not my finest moment but I am super pissed.

He charges at me with his arms up defending himself from the missiles im launching and tries to stop me and then when he is close enough i start punching his chest screaming and crying at him. 

"Mom, Dutch why are you guys fighting?" Leo comes in looking worried as he sees Dutch pinning my arms to my side and then me to his chest as I'm sobbing hard I didnt want the kids to see us like this.

"No Buddy we are fine, your mom just broke a glass and she is a bit upset. Dont come in here because of the glass on the floor. Just go and watch your sister and we will be in, in abit ok."

After Leo walks out I look up into his face a face I thought I knew and could trust with my life. "How could you do this to us, everything we have is built on a Fucking lie I dont even know you right now, I have to get out of here."

I walk upstairs leaving Dutch to clean up the mess in the kitchen, I put a few of the kids things in a bag and head back down.

"Leo go out to Mommys car please, and wait for me?"

"Babe, where are you going?" He sounds devastated.

"I'm taking the kids, I need to not be around you right now, you stay here with your drugs and your drug money. I need to clear my head."

"No Babe, that's not right I'll go, you stay in the house with the kids, think about the baby you need the comfort."

"No I cant be here, I just cant, and that's babies by the way, plural" I pull the scan picture out of my back pocket and throw it at him. "Remember when you couldnt make the scan as you were probably doing a drug deal or something I found out I was having twins only Emily knows and I was waiting to surprise you, but I guess you out did me on the surprise stakes today."

I grab Ava and head out the door, I drive around for about 30 minutes not sure where to go or who I can actually trust. I'm too pissed at Emily and Mike to go to theirs so there is only one option.

I knock on the door with the kids in tow waiting for them to answer.

"Hey Bobby, can we stay with you for a few days please?" 

He takes one look at my red puffy face and the kids sad faces and steps aside to let us all in.


	4. Bobby the peacekeeper

May 2009

"Yeah she is here, shes not in a good way Dutch, so just let her cool off but you know her and the kids are safe here with me." I hear Bobby talking quietly on the phone to Dutch as I come down the stairs, I had just got the kids asleep and settled in Bobby's spare room.

Dutch had been calling my mobile nonstop for about the last 2 hours when me and the kids hadn't returned home so I knew Bobby would want to let him know that we are ok and with him. Bobby forever the caring peacekeepers.

"Thanks for that Bobby, I appreciate you covering for me, I just need time to think about what I need to do next. I wont be here long just a day or two tops, its Leo's birthday in a few days and we had a big party planned I just dont know what to do, I had all these plans and I thought my life was so fucking perfect...." I trail off as I start to cry.

"I'm sorry Ness I feel so guilty but I had to tell you the truth, have you spoke to Emily yet?"

"No, I'm way to upset by all this, I just can deal with her and Mike right now I feel just totally betrayed by everyone I love."

"Well you can stay here as long as you need to, but you do need to talk to him and sort this out. I dont approve of what he is doing and dont condone his behaviour at all but he is your husband and you do need to work out what happens next."

"I know it's just that emotions were too high and the kids heard and saw us arguing and I dont want that. Plus I just found out that I'm expecting twins and I'm so annoyed at that asshole if he went to prison or got taken away from us what happens to me and the kids. He never gave us a single thought he is selfish and just cares about himself and money."

"Twins, wow that's amazing but I can see why you are so upset with him them. Ah Ness this really is a mess, damn I wanna give Dutch a good slap. I mean I love the guy but I dont get it, why would someone who has everything risk losing it all. Him and Mike are ridiculously stupid. Johnny has quit the dojo and has got lawyers involved to sell his shares in the dojo back to Mike so he has no ties to it at all."

"Yeah good for Johnny, its not that easy for me just to cut ties and walk away. I still dont get it though? Why would he do this? We dont need the money. Our house is paid for, we live comfortably, we have a decent amount of savings which now I'm thinking is all drug money and I dont want to touch it, everything is tainted by it. It just makes no sense?"

"This is why you need to talk to him, Dutch has always loved danger and can never keep himself out of trouble for very long but I thought when he got you back he would change and settle down." He says shaking his head.

"Yeah me too Bobby, me too?" I sit next to him on the sofa and he puts a film on for us to watch, I snuggle up to him resting my head on his shoulder, as he puts his arm around me for comfort. I must have fallen asleep with exhaustion as when I wake up Bobby Is gone, it's dark and I realise I have a blanket over me. Bless his heart, he is such a good friend and I hate the the fact that I only seem to come to him when trouble is brewing.

Its 5am and I cant go back to sleep so I get up and go sit outside in Bobby's garden watching the sunrise. Leo is the first one up and comes out to find me. "Come here little man, come give me a cuddle, Mommy really needs a Leo cuddle right now." He can clearly see that I'm crying.

"Mom are you and Dutch going to get a divorce?"

"What no baby? What makes you say that?"

"My friend Seth at schools parents argued alot and now he said they are getting a divorce." I snuggle him and kiss his sweet head.

"No baby, I'm just upset with him at the moment but I love him, and we both love you and Ava we will be fine I promise you. So dont worry about it ok? Lets go get your sister and make some breakfast" 

* * *

We go and get Ava who is just waking up in the spare room, I take the kids both downstairs to make some breakfast trying to be quiet as not to wake Bobby.

I put the tv on for the kids as I get to making pancakes and bacon I'm shocked to find Bobby's fridge and larder well stocked.

"Wow I could get used to you being here, it smells amazing." Bobby says as he walks in, and saying hi to the kids.

"Morning Bobby, grab a plate and I'll start dishing up breakfast. I'm actually shocked at how well stocked everything is?"

"Yeah Emily filled it up for me when her and Bodhi came to stay the other week." He says as he sits down with his well stocked plate.

"Emily came to stay here? How come?" I ask out of curiosity.

"Well it turns out when women fall out with their husbands they choose to come here." He chuckles while shaking his head.

"I'm sorry Bobby, I guess we do always bring our dramas to your door." I say while holding his hand.

"Nah it's ok, I get it I mean where else would you go.... to Tommy's house?" and this makes us both laugh Tommy would have a fit if I turned up on his door with kids and drama he only knows how to deal with problems with sarcasm and Ill timed jokes.

After breakfast I start clearing things away when I hear a knock at Bobby's front door.

"Sorry, Bobby was you expecting someone?"

"Yeah, now dont be angry at me, but I called Dutch to come over so you guys could talk while I watch the kids." I shake my head at him but I know he is right.

He let's Dutch in and he looks terrible like he hasn't slept and he was clearly drinking most of the night. 

The kids run to Dutch for cuddles, they love him so much and that's what hurts that they adore him and yet he never thought how all this crap he has brought to out door could affect them and their lives.

Bobby asks me to get the kids dressed as he has just got off the phone to Johnny and is going to meet Johnny and Robby at the park so will be out for a few hours to give us chance to talk on neutral ground as long as we promise not to break anything.

After they have gone, I grab a drink and head to his sofa to sit down, waiting for Dutch to join me. He walks in front of me and kneels down so we are face to face.

"Babe how can I fix this? How can I fix us? I cant lose you and the kids I just cant." He rests his head in my lap. I rub his hair and we sit in silence for a bit as I try to think what to say.

"You really should have thought about me and the kids before you continued living like your fucking scarface." 

"Vanessa come on that's not what's happening here"

"Well tell me then, help me understand all this, as right now Dutch I'm really fucking confused."

"Babe I dont want you involved with all of this, and you don't need to know everything I was just trying to protect you that's why I hid things, I'm sorry that I lied and got everyone involved but I'll sort it im sorry, please dont leave me."

I lift up his head and kiss him on his lips, kissing that little scar on his bottom lip that I love so much.

"I'm not going to leave you, I love you, but I'm also majorly pissed at you for doing deals around my son and using us all as cover and bringing drug money into our house. I still dont understand why you would do it all, we dont need money, we never have?"

"Ah Babe, you say that because we always have had money so you never noticed but that's all thanks to me, you really think I could afford to buy and race those cars and afford all the luxuries, holidays, college funds, nice things we have on a part time drs wage and by running a crappy auto shop."

"Oh so it's my fault for not having a better paid job, or my fault for having kids then?"

"No Vanessa that's not what I'm saying at all, when we got back together I was going to stop and I told the guys that I deal with down in Mexico that I'm out I wanted to go straight for you, but then you got pregnant and I wanted to treat you and spoil you guys and then I just stayed as we needed the money." 

"So what now? Are you still going to do it?"

"I cant back out now Vanessa so I wont lie to you and say that I wont do it, I'm sorry I'm in too deep with these guys now but it's safe I promise you"

"I'm not convinced but I dont want me or the kids anywhere near it, Leo wont be going away with you anymore."

"Yeah I get that, I totally understand and I'm sorry that I messed that up for him."

"I dont know how I'm going to live with this Dutch, I'll try but now I know im not going to be able to be calm and relax while you are away from me now. Can I ask you one more thing? Why were you and mike arguing at new year and why were you stressed the day Bodhi was was born?"

He takes a deep breath "Mike told me on New Year that Emily was prying and asking too many questions and he wanted to tell her the truth, so I threatened him so he wouldnt tell her or you."

"Fuck sake Dutch you threatened him, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I know I'm not proud of it I was just scared, then he told me he wanted out and wanted to go straight for Emily and the baby and I just lost it as I couldn't think how I could possibly clean all the money without his dojo. But Mike came with me this weekend to tell the guys himself that he was out and it would just be me again and we came to an arrangement. "

"You know what Dutch just stop talking as it's just making me mad now, at least my cousin seems to have more sense and actually cares about his family."

"I do care for fuck sake I'm doing this for our family and our future, I mean I just found out we are having twins, which I'm really excited about, dont get me wrong, but I just want it so we will have no money worries ever."

"Yeah keep telling yourself that." I say standing up.

"So are we good?" He stands up, pulling me to him.

"No we arent, very far from it but its Leo's birthday next week and we have family and friends coming over and I wont let people down. So we play happy families and I'll just see, take one day at a time but I'm not promising you anything, as I'm really not sure if I cant deal with all of this now I know the truth."

He kisses me, and I kiss him back. I must be out of my mind but I love him and I promised in my vows to stick by him through everything but nothing could have ever ever prepared me for this and what was yet to come.


	5. The Day the earth stood still.

August 2009

Everything had been going ok for us, I just buried my head in the sand until the day I was forced to face facts and reality in the harshest way possible.

I'm now 8 months pregnant with the twins and practically housebound. As I'm too big to get around. I'm sitting upstairs on our bed with Ava, asleep by me as Leo is at school and Dutch is at work when my phone rings.

Its Emily, we had words when all the truth about the guys came out, and have sort of been in a weird truce since, but not as close as we all were originally.

As I answer the phone I can hear that Emily is clearly upset. "Emily what's wrong?" 

"Ness, Mike has just been arrested" she can barely breathe.

"Honey calm down, tell me what's happened?" I'm worried now.

"The police came to arrest him at the house, they have took him in for questioning I'm so scared Ness."

"Ok I'm coming over, give me 10 minutes and I'll grab Ava and jump in a cab." I'm really worried, and have a bad feeling In my stomach.

As I'm getting my things together, my phone rings again and it's a number i dont recognise. I answer it a bit confused.

"Hi Vanessa its Carl from Dutchs work, he told me to call you and tell you..." he pauses and I have a sickening feeling.

"Tell me what? Tell me what?" I'm getting impatient now and worried.

"Vanessa, he has been arrested, the cops just came here and took him away."

"Oh my god, did they say why?"

"No, but he just told me to let you know so you could sort stuff out for him." I thank him for calling me and hang up the phone. I get straight onto his parents and let them know, his dad says that they will head down the station now with the lawyer.

My head is spinning, I also let Emily know what happened and then Bobby. Bobby grabs Leo from school for me and him and Emily come over to my house.

* * *

"What the fuck are we going to do? We know what this is about dont we? Fucking stupid Dutch and his brainless selfish ideas." Emily snaps.

"Fuck you Emily you cant put this all on Dutch, Mike didn't have to go along with it"

"Girls, please dont argue, or turn against each other, if this gets as bad as I think it will you are going to need each other for support." Bobby intervenes.

"Sorry Ness, I'm just scared really scared I cant lose him neither can Bodhi!"

"What about me? Do you think I can bring four kids up without Dutch? We both stand to lose so much that's why I'm pissed at them two they never thought of this or us at all." I say now in tears.

"Bobby, do you think it will be bad then?" Emily looks at him scared.

"I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, but it depends what the cops know but they ain't walking away from this with just a slap on the wrist."

Theres a knock at the door, which Bobby goes to answer. I hear that it's the police and my heart sinks. I stand up with Emily's help and go to the door. They have a warrant to search our property. I call Leo to come and sit with us while they conduct the search.

I feel so violated they are literally emptying everything we own and going through my drawers and personal belongings. Emily tells them who she is and they have a similar search warrant for her property so she goes home too with some officers. This is bad real, real bad.

"Mrs Dutch, we are sorry to put you through this while you are in such a delicate position. How far are you if you dont mind me asking?" The officer in charge comes to speak to me.

"Im 8 months gone , not that you really care, I just dont get what's happening or why this is happening and do you even care that you are scaring my children." Leo is hugging me and Ava is clinging to Bobby.

"Your husband is in alot of trouble Mrs Dutch, a very serious accusation has been made against him and a Mr Barnes that we have to look into."

"Accusation who has made this accusation and about what?"

"I'm not at liberty to say, but he has been accused of fraud, money laundering and drug trafficking."

"What that's ridiculous and a complete lie, I cant believe this, this cant be happening to us." I just sit there sobbing hugging my kids.

After 3 hours they finally leave, taking our computers and laptops with them and bags of paperwork they found in our bedroom. The house is a total mess I dont even know where to start.

Dutchs parents come to the house to see me and give me an update.

"Vanessa it's bad, did you know any of this?" His mom Eve says to me.

"No of course I didnt" I lie and feel like a piece of shit for doing so.

"Well he is being charged with Drug trafficking, money laundering and fraud as is your cousin Mike. They both have their hearing in the morning to make their plea and hopefully they will both be released on bail pending the trial. But its going to cost alot, we will help you through it as they said they will be freezing all his assets and savings, pending investigations, which means your money too." His dad continues.

"This all just feels like a bad dream, I cant deal with it." I say shaking my head.

"We will stay here with you, and help get this place cleaned up and help you with whatever you need, we will get through this and get that idiot home so we can kill him." Eve pipes up.

"Thanks guys, thank you for everything." The three of us and Bobby start to clean up the place they have left us with a real mess. My phone rings again some time later with another number I dont recognise, asking if I accept a phone call from a Mr Chad Dutch which I obviously do.

"Oh Dutch, it's so good to hear your voice, stupid question but are you ok?"

They all hear who I am talking to and come and sit by to listen to what's going on.

"I'm ok, I just feel bad that I've let you and everyone down. I'm sorry Babe but I'm going to do everything I can to get back to you."

"Its ok I just want you safe and home with me, I cant give birth without you, you can't miss the birth of our twins." 

"I know and I wont be I'll be home soon I promise, i haven't got long, so just wanted to say dont come to the courthouse tomorrow Babe you dont need that stress. I love you so much Angel I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this."

"I love you too Babe" I get to say just as it beeps and he cuts off. I start to sob as Bobby holds me tight and lets me break down in his arms.

* * *

The next day, I'm sitting at home just waiting for news. I've kept Leo off school today as I just cant face seeing anyone or leaving the house as I know how gossip spreads in the Valley. I've already ignored the phone today I just cant deal with people pretending to care but really they just wanting the inside gossip.

I've only spoke to Emily as she is in the same position as me and we agreed that we have got to stick together through this just in case it gets bad for the guys and us. Her parents are helping her as their assets have been frozen too.

Dutchs dad has gone down to court with Emily, and Bobby and me and his mom are just at home awaiting any kind of news.

Finally the front door opened and I see Dutch walk in with his dad, I run well waddle over to him and throw my arms around him and kiss him.

He has been granted bail, as he doesn't appear to be a flight risk and as it's for a non violent crime. The same goes for Mike and they both have their trial date set for a months time.

We all have dinner together and then I feel like crap so go lie down on our bed, I didnt sleep much last night and the exhaustion just hits me.

I wake up to find Dutch is in bed by the side of me spooning me from behind, with his hand resting on my enormous tummy.

"Hey sorry, did I wake you? I was just talking to the babies." He says softly.

"Nah it's ok Babe....Dutch what's going to happen to you? What's going to happen uo us?"

"I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't look good, some prick who used to work for me at the shop and on my raceteam has blown the whistle on me. I fired the little shit a month ago as I caught him stealing money from the shop and then he decides to pay me back by going to police telling them all my secrets."

"Shit, so it is bad?, how much do they know, I thought you were careful." 

"I thought I was careful this little dick was obviously watching me very closely and watching what I was up to as they know alot, but now they have just got to prove if it's true." I turn over to face him so I can look in his eyes.

"And can they? I mean if they do your looking at serious prison time arent you?"

He rubs his hand across my face, tracing my jawline. "Yeah, my lawyer said me and Mike could be looking at 10 to 20 years if proven guilty."

My breath catches in my throat and I cant breathe I start to cry 20 years imagine 20 years without him and without him being with his children it's too much to deal with.

"Babe I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I've done this to us."

"Dutch are we in any danger?" Realising theres probably another real threat to us.

"No babe, my lawyer thinks if I give my contacts up I looking at less time but if I do that I'm putting you and the kids in danger so I'd rather just do my time and not be a snitch." 

"How can this be our life Dutch, I thought I was so happy and we had the most perfect life ever and now it's all over and I'm going to lose you again." The tears come hard and fast now and I just feel my heart is breaking in two.


	6. Twin arrival and some bad news

September 2009

Its 2 weeks until Dutch and Mike's trial and I'm feeling so Ill about it especially as that's about my due date and I cant look forward to the birth of our twins when all I'm thinking about is losing my husband.

There is a knock at my door and it's my parents, who I haven't seen since Avas birthday, and they have been surprisingly quiet about all this that's going on.

"Hey guys come in, can I get you some coffee or anything?"

"Vanessa are you on your own?" My dad asks as they step in.

"No Dutch is in the garage with his Dad and Eve is in the swimming pool with Ava and Leo. Why?"

"We really need to talk to you in private as we are really worried about you and the kids." I take them into the den area as I know we wont be disturbed in there for awhile.

"Vanessa we have been looking into Chad's case and it looks really bad for him, we think you should really distance yourself from it all before it gets bad and you and the kids are dragged down with him." My dad says.

"Wait, what do you mean distance myself, he is my husband and the father of my kids, how can I distance myself."

"Well we have got a friend who is a great divorce lawyer and then you can get ahead of all this, tell everyone you knew nothing about it, play the betrayed wife so you can save face" my mom pipes up.

"What are you both fucking crazy, I'm not abandoning my husband when he needs me the most, thats your answer to everything isnt it just walk away, when the people you love are at their lowest point."

"Come on Vanessa think of your future, think of your kids futures, you cant be married to a criminal, are you going to spend the rest of you life visiting him in prison he is looking at serious time, what example is that to set to your daughter." She continues.

"Look I love him and I will stand by and defend him every step of the fucking way, and my kids will see that I'm a loyal caring wife who will stand by everyone no matter what their faults are." Im so angry now.

"Well Vanessa we have tried to help you and to help you out of this, I really feel sorry for you and your kids that he has got you so brainwashed. I told you all those years ago no good would ever come from loving that boy and we have been proven right again" she looks at my dad and throws her hands up in despair "Well you have to understand that we cant stand by him or you if you choose to defend him as this is going to get so messy, everyone is talking about it."

I burst out laughing. "What a surprise, you are turning your back on me and my family again when we need supporting the most, coz you are worried about your precious reputations, you two are really unbelievable, just get out of my house, I never want to see either of you two ever again." 

They both leave and I hear them slam the door as they are muttering about how unreasonable I am. I sit there in tears, getting really worked up about everything that's just happened. So much so that I start to feel twinges in my stomach. I tell myself to relax and breathe I'm just stressed this isnt happening now I'll sit here as long as I can and just breathe.

* * *

"Vanessa, are you in here?" Eve calls out to me as she walks In to the den. "Dinner is ready, I've been calling you for ages are you ok?"

She gets worried and she sees I'm not answering I'm just staring out into space in a catatonic state. "Chad, Chad" she shouts out to get help.

He comes in and looks worried when he sees me just sitting there, he gets more panicked when he gets closer and sees that I'm soaked from the waist down.

"Shit her waters have broke, Babe speak to me, when did this happen, what's wrong? Are you in pain?"

"I cant do this Dutch, I just cant, I cant have the babies without you, I cant live without you." I'm just rambling..I feel as if I'm having an out of body experience im a broken woman.

"Mom, grab our things I'm going to get her to the hospital, Dad get the car ready for us and then call the hospital tell them we are coming in now." When we are alone in the room, he pulls my face up to look at him.

"I'm here ok, I'm here now, we are going to bring these babies into the world together and I'm here for you, I'm so sorry for what I've done and for putting you through this."

"The babies won't know you, you wont help me raise them, how can I cope bringing up four kids on my own, my parents are right I'll just spend my life visiting prison, the wife of a criminal."

"Your parents? When did you see your parents?"

"They were just here offering to pay for a divorce lawyer for me to get me and the kids away from you, and they will only support me if I leave you." He looks really upset and hurt.

"Babe we can talk about this all later, right now we need to get you to hospital, the babies are coming and its too dangerous to wait any longer." 

The pain is intense now and I know he is right but I cant deal with it, the months of pain, betrayal and deceit have all hit me in one almighty blow.

* * *

We get to the hospital and 6 hours later I have given birth to two beautiful identical baby boys. They are a underweight so we will all be kept in hospital for observation. 

Dutch is standing over the incubators looking over the two little boys. They look so tiny with the wires attached to them. "Babe have we thought of any names yet, I really like the name Dominic David for one of them after my dad what do you think."

"Yeah that's nice" I say quietly 

"Well what about the little one, what do you think?" I turn away from him and the babies and lie on my side as hot tears start to fall on my face.

Dutch comes and sits by me on the bed "Babe, are you ok?"

"No Dutch, I'm not, I'm really not. I wanted these babies so bad and we tried for over a year to have them and now I've got them I just feel cold, as I know I cant do this, I can't bring these babies up on my own. They were supposed to complete our family unit but now I cant even look at them. Does that make me an evil person."

"No it doesn't this is my fault, I did this to us and I'm so sorry that this is happening. You never told me what you said to your parents...I mean...do you want a divorce? I will totally understand if you do."

I look up at him shocked "No of course I dont, that's the last thing I want, I told them to stick it and that I never wanted to see them again. I love you, you idiot it would be so much easier if I could walk away from you, but I cant. I need you and I need you to be there with me to raise our kids. These kids need their daddy and it hurts that your stupidity and greed has made it impossible for that to happen." I'm sobbing so hard now, and he is crying to as we just hold each other.

* * *

2 weeks later

Me and my twin boys are finally home, I've hired a nanny to help me with the kids as Dutch and Mike's trial starts this week.

Since being home I've started to bond with our babies who are called Dominic David Dutch and Gabriel Chad Dutch they are gaining weight and really are two little Angel's both with his mop of black wavy hair and dark soulful eyes. Dutch is doing all he can while he is around and I suspect he is trying to bond with them as much as he can before he wont be able to.

Ava is the one who is really going to struggle she truly is a Daddys girl and it's only him that can settle her, feed her, read her bedtime stories I dont know what I'll do when he isnt around.

The trial lasts all week for the guys and it really doesn't go in their favour. It doesn't help that they both have past criminal records, even if they are for petty crimes they have both served time. I cant bring myself to go to court, not that I could with 2 newborns anyway but I know I couldnt handle listening to all the bad the two of them have done and hear strangers talking so negatively about the man I love.

Emily rings me from the courthouse to give me the bad news. She has been my eyes and ears in there as I know she wont sugarcoat it like everyone else would with me.

"Hey Em, go on then what's the verdict?" I know its not good as I can tell that she has been crying.

"They have both been found guilty, Mike has been found guilty of Felony Money Laundering but Dutch has been found guilty of Felony Money Laundering and Drug Trafficking, honey it's bad, real bad it looks like they are going to throw the book at Dutch for his previous drug record. The judge has posted bail for both of them and they will be both be brought in for sentencing in 90 days time."

I feel sick to my stomach." I knew it was going to be bad Emily, but not this bad, what the hell are we going to do? In 90 days time our lives are going to be forever altered and I dont know if I can deal with that." I sob down the phone.

"We will get through it together honey, we will, we have to, no matter what we have got each other. Right they are coming out now, I'll see you in a bit we are going to grab Bodhi and come over to yours ok. Love you Ness."

"Love you too, see you in a bit then sweetie."

Well I guess that's it then I really do have to prepare myself for a life without him, how exactly I'm going to do that I dont know but I've got exactly 90 days to make some hard, hard choices.


	7. The Bubble Bursts.

December 2009

Since the guilty verdict we have practically lived in a little bubble. I haven't really left the house as I couldnt face people, I am on maternity leave and Dutch has sadly lost the auto shop so can only be at home with us anyway.

I think I have fooled my fragile mind that this is our life now and I just dont think about what is going to happen after his sentencing. The guys come to visit us alot and again no one talks about the sentencing or what Dutch and Mike have done.

We just spend our days playing happy families with our four children, hosting dinner parties then spend our nights holding and kissing each other like our lives depend on it as they kind of do.

* * *

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary and by cruel coincidence also the night before their sentencing. We have the whole day planned out perfectly we will be spending the day as family then his parents will be taking the children for the night to allow us to spend some quality time before the worst happens tomorrow.

We have made a pillow fort in the den area for us all to watch movies together, we have made popcorn and got snacks. Ava wont leave Dutch alone as usual she is just always hugging her daddy and even gets jealous if I'm the one that's hugging and kissing him. It breaks my heart to think how she is going to cope without seeing him everyday.

Dutchs parents, Johnny, Bobby, Jimmy and Tommy all come over to have dinner with us, Mike and Emily decline the offer as they just want to spend the evening alone and I cant blame them. It is kind of a goodbye dinner even though no one actually calls it that.

The guys all joke and tell stories all about the crazy things the guys have done like the time Dutch stole the golf cart from the country club and drove it into the pool there and they had to get a crane to remove it. I'm quiet and I'm guessing Dutch can see that im uncomfortable with the direction in which the conversation is going, all his bad boy antics arent so cute and funny anymore.

Eventually the guys decide to call it a night, and leave us to it. As im tidying the dishes away Bobby comes over to me.

"Ness, do you want me to come and stay with you for a couple of days after....well you know? I dont want you being on your own? Emily is going to stay with her parents otherwise I would suggest we all crash here for a few days."

"Yeah that would be great, thank you so much. Can you really put up with me and four screaming kids though." I say raising my eyebrows at him.

"Yeah I love the kids and they love their Uncle Bobby, I want to help anyway I can and we have all promised that we will look out for you guys while...well while Dutch cant." He smiles at me sadly.

"Thank you Bobby, I really appreciate it, you are an angel." I cuddle Bobby tight and try not to cry. We arrange to meet at the courthouse tomorrow then. I say goodbye to the guys and go get the kids all packed up and ready for the night, poor Eve is going to have her hands full, but she loves the challenge plus she has Annabelle (her maid) to help her with the twins and Ava, Leo is no trouble at all bless him and loves helping out with the babies.

Me and Dutch say goodbye to his parents and make arrangements for tomorrow it just all feels so surreal. After everyone has gone I turn to him and say.

"Happy Anniversary Babe, let's just pretend for tonight that it's just our normal anniversary and we are just a normal couple with no plans for tomorrow at all."

He smiles at me "Yeah we can do that, now let's think what a child free couple would do on a normal anniversary night." He chuckles as he picks me up over his shoulder and carries me caveman style up to our bedroom.

* * *

He throws me down on to the bed and then his mouth is on mine. His kisses taste amazing, he is sucking and massaging my tongue and I tell my brain, remember this, put this all to your memory remember every touch, smell and taste.

I pull up and push him down onto the bed, I remove his belt buckle and pull down his Jean's and pull them off. He removes his tshirt for me and I start peppering kisses all down his chest flicking at his nipples with my tongue. I lick all down his chest and nibble at his flesh, I swirl my tongue in that little patch of hair he has just above his pubic bone.

I go to pull down his boxers and set his incredible length free, the sight of him still pleases me and gets me excited even after all this time.

"I want to remember how you look tonight and how you taste, and feel. Tonight is all about you Babe, I'm going to give you a memory you'll never forget." I say as I make him gasp as I put him in my mouth.

He feels so hard and hot, i work him with my mouth, sucking, pulling and tugging at him. I'm hungry for him, I need him.

I pull down my panties, and remove my top and bra making sure I give him a good show. I crawl up his body, and kiss him and then kiss his neck. I hover over him.

"Babe are you even ready for me?" He asks as he sees that I'm about to sit on his huge hard dick. I grab his hand and show him how ready I am for him.

"Shit you are so wet" he sucks on his fingers tasting me. 

"Of course I am, you drive me crazy Dutch, you always have?" I position myself over him and sit down gently, taking all of him inside me. God I'm going to miss this, miss him, miss looking at his body, his face, that gorgeous scar on his bottom lip. I cant let myself go there yet though as I'll just cry.

I start riding him, I prop my hands on his chest for support and we both get into a rhythm, he starts to massage my clit with his thumb, when he notices that I'm losing my rhythm as I'm about to burst he takes over bucking in and out of me until I dig my nails into his chest as i call out his name and tell him that I love him.

He flips me over, and then drives back into me, pounding into me until his orgasm builds and takes over and then he collapses on top of me. He goes to move and I hold him to keep him in place.

"No dont go yet please, just stay like this just hold me please." I plead with him. We just keep kissing each other, I never want this night to end.

* * *

We go for round 2 in the shower and then go to lie naked on the bed holding each other. It's the early hours of the morning and I hate that fucking ticking clock beside the bed.

"Babe are you tired?" He asks me kissing my head.

"No, to be fair I dont think I could sleep even if I wanted to, and I really dont want to sleep I want to spend every last second with you."

"Good, that's the right answer, I've got an idea, theres something I want to do tonight."

"What's that then Babe?" I ask curious now.

"Just get dressed" he sees the look on my face "honestly babe trust me."

We get dressed and go for a ride out on his bike, I love the feeling of being on the back of his bike holding on tight to his waist and resting my head against his strong thick back.

We pull up to the beach, and grab the blankets he keeps in his seat and walk to our spot in the little cove area.

"How come you wanted to come here?" I ask as I lay the blanket down and he starts to make a fire pit to keep us warm.

"Because this has always been our spot, since that first day I brought you here from school, theres no place I'd rather be. I want to watch the sunrise with you one last time before." I cut him off with a kiss I dont want him to finish that sentence at all.

We sit on the blanket by the fire, I'm sitting between his legs and resting my head against his broad chest. His smell fills my head that gorgeous mix of spice and leather.

"Vanessa I know you dont want this conversation but theres no other time to have it! Say worst case scenario if I did go down for 20 years, I wouldnt expect you to wait for me" I go to speak "No wait Babe let me finish, I would be selfish to expect you to put your life on hold for me and visit all the time, youre still young and beautiful enough to meet someone else and have a life. It would destroy me but if you want a divorce I'll understand."

"Can I speak now? or have you just made all the decisions for us?...no I dont want a divorce and even if you go away for life I'd never leave you. My heart has been yours since I was 17, you really think that I'm going to want to be with someone else. I tried that and all I could ever think about was you, and how could I get back to you. So stop being an asshat and trying to push me away. We are Vanessa and Dutch and we will always be together."

He turns my head to the side and kisses me deeply. "Man I love you, you are an amazing woman, but Babe its going to be tough, real tough for both of us, I'll be going crazy in there thinking of you out here and you'll just spend your life bringing up our kids alone and having to visit a shitty jail I never wanted this life for you or us."

'Well doofus you should have thought of that before you became Pablo Escobar" I say shaking my head "but you know you can trust me, as if I'm ever going to look at another man, you've got nothing to worry about, and I'll deal with it one day at a time, that's all I can do."

We sit there hugging and kissing until the fire dies out and the sun starts to rise and I curse it for doing so, the one day I was begging it not to rise I dont want it to be a new day as today is the day our bubble bursts and the bad times begin.


	8. Judgment Day!

December 2009

After the beach we reluctantly head home to get dressed and ready for court. On the ride home I was so tempted to tell him just to keep driving, keep going dont stop, let's run away but what good would it have done, we have kids we cant go on the run and spend our lives looking over our shoulders. Sadly we have to just suck it up and deal with this.

"God I look like shit" I say to myself as I look in the mirror, lack of sleep and crying all night hasn't done me any favours, it's going to take a whole lot of makeup to fix this mess.

We drive over to court practically in silence, I just dont know what to say to him and I cant trust that I just wont burst into tears as soon as I open my mouth.

We pull up to court and greet Emily and Mike who are already there, just standing outside cuddling. As we head inside Dutchs parents are waiting in the foyer as is Bobby, Johnny, Tommy and Jimmy.

Mike and Dutch are called through and we are told to go and take our seats ready for court to start. God I feel so sick, I look at Emily and she looks as green around the gills as I do. Before we go through Dutch pulls me to the side, signalling to his lawyer to give us one second.

"Look I just wanted to say before we go in and things get bad, that I love you, I love you more than anything in this world and I'm so glad that I got you back in my life and I love our four crazy kids and that's why I'm sorry that I fucked this all up so bad and that once again we are being split up, but we will survive this I know we will." He kisses me and I kiss him back.

"I know we are short on time and I have just so much to say to you, but I'll just say I love you, I'm here for you and I'll support you through all this, behave and do all you can do get out to me and the kids and we will visit you asap I promise." We hug and then walk our separate ways.

Emily takes my hand and I can feel that she is trembling, we sit down by Dutchs parents and the guys are all sitting behind us. They talk through Mike's charges first and that he has been found guilty of felony money laundering he will be sentenced to a minimum of three years, maximum of 5 in Lompoc federal prison and has been fined $250,000. Emily starts to cry and Mike looks at her sadly as he gets taken away.  
.  
Dutch is next and I just know its going to be bad, he has been charged with felony money laundering and Drug trafficking. He will then serve a minimum of 10 years a maximum of 15 in Lompoc and has been fined $2 million dollars. I feel sick and faint I hear Eve gasp. Emily puts her arm around me and I'm just in shock. I see Dutchs face when it hits him that he wont be free for 10 years at least and im so confused right now I hate him for what he has done and I'm devastated that I'm losing him again. He gets lead away from us and as he mouths "I love you" I finally break.

* * *

I head to Eve and Dave's house to pick up the babies who have been looked after by Annabelle and our Nanny Nina. After I've fed the twins, I take them all down to the beach and let them play for a bit, let them just be kids until I have to tell them the truth however I can break it to a 9 year old and 3 year old what has happened to Dutch.

I head home, even though Eve begged us to stay with them, I just need to be at home with my kids, and shut the world out.

As I pull up on our driveway, Bobby is waiting outside in his car and I'm glad to see him. We go into the house and get the kids settled.

Bobby then opens a bottle of wine and pours me a glass. "I thought you could do with this, can you drink?"

"Yeah Ive expressed enough milk to fill a dairy farm, so I'm good to drink for now and as you said I definitely need and deserve this."

We order pizza and polish off the bottle of wine. "Thanks for coming here Bobby, I dont think I could take being on my own tonight."

"I'm always here for you guys, whatever you need I'll help out as much as I can, and when you need to go see Dutch I'll help out with the kids if you dont want to take them everytime."

"Thanks Bobby, you are amazing, you truly are. I hope you guys write to him and visit him too, plus if he has a member of the clergy visiting him I'm sure it will look good on his record."

"Of course we will, well I know I will and Johnny will if he keeps himself out of trouble that is."

"Also do you know if Lompoc allows conjugal visits?" Bobby nearly spits out his wine.

"Vanessa seriously I hope your joking, I couldnt imagine anything worse."

"Oh I can 15 years without Dutchs Dick that is much much worse." I say laughing as I see how uncomfortable I'm making poor Bobby and I guess I'm only half joking.


	9. Life without Dutch AGAIN

5 years later 

I wont lie life without Dutch has been difficult and the first 2 years were definitely the hardest. There were many, many breakdowns especially at Christmas, Birthdays and other holidays where I really missed the support of a partner. 

I visit him once or twice a week depending on my shifts at the hospital. Sometimes taking the kids or I just take the 2 hour drive on my own if I have to go during school hours. It's hard and it does take its toll on me as I just hate seeing him in there and it breaks my heart that we can only hug and kiss for like a second and then I have to leave him there.

Mike is due to be released this year, I do write to my cousin and I've seen him at the jail when me and Emily have gone up together to see them. I haven't really seen him one to one though as I would feel awful going all that way to see someone other than my husband.

Life has been tough for Emily, she lost everything after paying fines, court and lawyer fees she literally was bankrupt so I did the only thing I could think of which was taking her and Bodhi into our house.

Even though my financial situation wasnt any better hence why I'm working crazy shifts at the hospital my house wasnt in Dutchs name so they couldnt seize it. It belonged to his parents and the house was all paid for and still in their name so luckily we didnt have to move. His parents had been amazing with me and the kids and I couldn't have coped without them and their support.

So yeah the house is crazy with Me, Emily a 14 year old stroppy teenager, a 7 year old diva that still pines for her daddy and then finally 3, 4 year old boys who are literally feral and sometimes hard to handle. But me and Emily cope we cant afford a nanny and just sort it out between us all.

The guys used to visit us alot at first and then the visits became less frequent over time, it was only Bobby who was like a surrogate father to all these kids that still came round for dinner at least once a week and he has been my rock during the hard times and in truth I've probably become a bit too dependent on him, not that he would ever say that or say that he minded.

Mike will be released this summer it would have been earlier but he had got into a few fights in their he just cant help himself. As part of his probation he has to have an address to be released too and me and Dutch had agreed that he could move in with us too it was the least we can do and why not we had the space and it would be nice to have a man around the house again.

* * *

Today I'm heading up to Lompoc as I'm working the late shift so I want to go visit him while I'm free and then I'll take the kids up with me on sunday as I'm not working at all this weekend.

I drop the kids off at school and start the drive up there I really felt like I needed to see him today, when I get down the visits are the only thing that keeps me going even if it is literally the most depressing place in the world I just have to see his face.

I get there and have to go through the usual security checks which are extremely degrading but I get why they have to do it. I'm on first name terms with most of the guards now as I'm here twice a week usually. 

"Hey Vanessa" the elderly chirpy guard says.

"Hey Peter, hows everything with you? Hows your wife?" We have the general chit chat as I'm checking my bag in and being searched. He is a genuine nice guy and I know he looks out for Dutch for me and is always nice to the kids when they come to visit.

"He is really looking forward to your visit, he was having a bad day yesterday." He says shaking his head sadly.

"Oh, how come?" I say a bit worried now.

"Think the fact that his Buddy is going home soon is playing heavy on his mind." I nod in agreement, and head into the visitor room.

I walk into the boring grey room and see everyone sitting there in their prison sweats. It really is the most depressing room you will ever see, but then I see him sitting at his table looking eagerly at the door as people are walking in. His eyes light up when he sees me, he looks the same just as handsome, just as dangerous. His hair is really short now, he has a slight stubble, which has a bit of grey in it which I find ridiculously attractive, he is really broad and stocky as he just spends all his time in the gym working out.

I walk over and we are allowed one quick hug and a kiss, and then we are told to sit down. We are allowed to hold hands, it's really not enough contact with him but I'll take it. He takes my hand, in his huge strong hands and gently rubs circles on my hand with his thumb.

"Hey handsome, how are you doing today? I say greeting him, looking into those gorgeous brown soulful eyes.

"All the better now you're here with me, hows things, hows the kids doing? How did Leo do on his science test."

We talk about nonsense really general boring chit chat of our lives, he tells how Bobby has written him a letter and Johnny has promised to visit later this week but then I bring up Mike and I see that it is clearly a sore subject for him.

"Its just shit, he is my only true friend in here and soon he will be gone and it's just hit home that I'm only half way through my sentence and I've still got at least another 5 years in this shithole, While he gets to go home, our home and be with you guys."

"I know it's hard baby, but dont lose heart, still keep your head down, we will get through this I promise you." I say as I give him a sad smile.

I stay for the hour then I have to leave "Me and the kids will be up to see you this weekend, Ava is really excited about seeing you, so much that I couldnt tell her I was coming here today as I know it would upset her. She really is Daddys girl" I meant this to comfort him but I can see it stings as he knows if he was at home they would be so close.

We kiss again and have a quick hug, I dont want to let go but I know it will only get him in trouble if I dont. This is the worst part and always upsets me, I never show him how sad I am and always wait to get in the car before the tears flow.

* * *

I get home and have a quick sleep as I'm on the night shift, Dutchs parents are having the youngest ones over tonight but Leo has decided to stay here on his own with Emily and Bodhi. He is a sensible kid though nothing like his terrible father figures.

I leave him money for some pizza and tell him not to stay up too late and I'll see him in the morning for breakfast before he goes to school.

I go to the hospital, change into my uniform and go to the cafeteria to grab a strong coffee before my shift starts. I'm in a daze as I always am when I've seen Dutch, my mind wonders and I always think what could have/should have been.

"Earth to Dr Dutch, I said is this seat taken?" I look up and see my colleague Dr Luke Danvers. He is a sweet guy that's been working here for about a year and the closet thing to a friend I've got here. Most people know my story and a few of the other people here are a bit stuck up about my husband and where he is. Luke dont care though and he always seems to listen to my crap.

"Yeah sorry Luke I'm like a zombie today, take a seat, are you on shift with me tonight then?" I say while hugging my big cup of coffee.

"Yeah, the dream team are back together." He says laughing "Have you been up to Lompoc today?"

"Yeah how did you know?" I ask genuinely curious how he might now.

"Youre always a bit away with the fairies after you've been for a visit. Is everything ok?" He asks with genuine concern in his face.

"Yeah it's all ok, its just my cousin is getting out soon and its just hit us both hard that Dutch is only half way through his sentence I've still got another 5 years of this shit." I say with a sad smile, I look away so he cant see the tears that are pricking my eyes.

"You are an amazing and strong woman Vanessa, you'll get through it, come on let's get ready and hope we have an easy shift so we can just have a laugh and get through it."

He pulls me up and we have a quick hug when I hear a familiar voice say "Who the fuck is this guy?" I break apart from Luke's big strong arms quickly as if I'm doing something wrong when I see Johnny approaching me with cuts and bruises all over his face.

"Shit Johnny what happened to you? Fighting again?" I walk over concerned for my old friend he really looks like shit.

"Yeah, you should see the other guys though, I've just been told to come here to get myself checked out as it hurts when I breathe and I may have sprained my wrist."

I shake my head "Jesus Johnny arent you a little old for this crap now, come on let's go get you checked out." He eyes Luke up suspiciously.

"So who is he?" He says rudely pointing at Luke.

"I'm Dr Danvers." Luke says he clearly isnt intimidated by Johnny but at 6ft 4 Luke is quite an intimidating figure himself, he holds his hand out which Johnny ignores. 

I lead Johnny through to the waiting room to check him in and I mouth an apology to Luke as we walk off into a side room for observations. 

"So is Dutch aware of him?" Johnny eyes me as he says this.

I roll my eyes "Is Dutch aware that I have male colleagues, yeah he is?" I say shaking my head at johnny as I start to check him over.

"You know what I mean, is something going on with you and Dr Chippendale?" 

I laugh "No Johnny and I'm insulted that you would insinuate such a thing, you know I love Dutch I would never go behind his back, I've actually been to see him today and it upset me abit so Luke was just trying to cheer me up."

"Yeah I bet he was, just watch him I know what men like him are like around vulnerable woman" I ignore this silly comment and send Johnny off with a nurse to get some x-rays.

I go to see a few more patients then Luke tells me he has Johnny's x-ray results so we both go find Johnny who is chatting up the poor nurse to tell him the news.

"Hey Johnny, well looks like you've survived another battle, nothings broken but you've sprained your wrist, so im gonna give you a support bandage for that and prescribe some painkillers" as I talk he just keeps staring out Luke.

"You know just coz her husband is in jail doesn't mean you get a free pass, her husband is my best friend and he would kill you just for looking at his girl."

,"ok Johnny, enough, you've embarrassed me enough for one day, you are free to go." I hand him his slip and show him the door.

He bashes into Luke on the way out. "Dont say I didnt warn you Asshole." I just stare in disbelief at the door.

"I'm so sorry Luke, he is my husbands best friend and he is just having a hard time of things at the moment dont pay any attention to him."

"Is your husband anything like that guy?" He says pointing in the direction that Johnny has just left.

"Actually at school my husband was the crazy, unstable one of the group, Johnny was actually quite normal in comparison" I say laughing

"That's just crazy to me, I couldnt imagine you with a guy like that."

"Ah well, just proves that you dont know me that well." I say walking past him a bit of a huff.

"Hey I didnt mean any offence" he shouts after me but I've already carried on with my rounds to keep myself busy.

At the end of the shift Luke offers to buy me breakfast to apologise but I pass as I promised Leo I would be home to see him before he leaves for school.

Plus I just didnt want to risk being seen alone with this 6ft 4 big blonde hunk outside of work, dont think anyone would approve of that. Plus anytime that I do spend alone with Luke I just feel guilty like I'm cheating already just by enjoying another man's company so it's best just to remove the temptation altogether.


	10. Accusations

February 2014

I'm just finishing getting the twins ready to go visit their Daddy when there is a knock at the door. "Leo can you get that please." I shout down the stairs. I know it will only be Leo's Dad, my deadbeat ex Danny. Leo will be going to stay with his dad in Denver for the next week. 

I cant stand talking to Danny as he just loves the fact that Dutch has fucked up and is in prison and my perfect life came crashing down around me. Especially now that he is married to one of the girls he was cheating on me with Kelly the waitress from the dive bar in my old town and they have a baby daughter and another one on the way. Oh yes he just loves it.

I shoo the kids down the stairs and tell them to be prepared to leave in 30 minutes. "Hey Nessa, you are all up and dressed early on a sunday, ah is it family day up at Lompoc so cute."

"Dont start Danny, I can't deal with your shit today."

"Yeah guys please dont fight" Leo says and that stops our bitchy bitterness in its tracks I dont want to fight around him.

"We arent fighting, I just still think your mom is crazy for staying with a guy like that, she had a way out and never took it, I mean she left me for alot less." 

I laugh "Um I left you as you cheated on me at every chance you got, and then attacked me, Dutch messed up but he would never hurt me."

"Whatever I dont remember it like that." Danny says shrugging.

I ignore him and turn to Leo I give him instructions and warnings for the week to behave etc, but he is a good kid and he loves his huge big blended family and even loves his new stepmom which grinds me a bit but it's better than her being horrible to him, I know he is in safe hands.

I wave them off and then load the kids in the car, it does hurt me when I look at our 3 kids they are so much like Dutch, it hurts especially the twins Dom and Gabe, and It hurts my soul that their life should have been so different if Dutch hadn't have messed up, instead they have to make do with a one hour visit a week with their Daddy.

* * *

We arrive at Lompoc after a torturous 2 hour drive where the twins keep winding up Ava and I have to threaten them every 10 minutes.

We go through security and Pete the guard says that he has a treat waiting for them when they leave here. Its always the same chocolate bar, but he is sweetie and it's the thought that counts.

We walk in, and the kids run to their Daddy and give him a cuddle, then it's my turn, but he seems a little cold with me today no kiss for me just a hug. Ava sits on her Daddys lap as she always does as the boys go to play in the little area by the tables that set up for kids. I go to grab his hand and he pulls away making out he is hugging Ava but there was a definite snub there.

"Is everything ok?, has something happened?" I ask him.

"I dont know, something you want to tell me?" He looks at me blankly and I'm actually baffled by what could be going on.

"No, Look Dutch if you've got something to say, just say it? We only have an hour together and I dont want to play games."

"Johnny came to see me on Friday, and he said he bumped into you at the hospital and some guy was all over you. Some tall pretty boy, is something going on?"

"Ava, why don't you go see what your brothers are doing" I wait till she walks off reluctantly from her Daddy, "Look Johnny is an asshat he came in drunk and beaten up, yeah my friend Luke hugged me as I was upset after our visit the other day as I always am when I leave you, but there is nothing going on he is a work colleague nothing more and Johnny shouldnt be stirring and winding you up in here, you need a clear head. Dutch look at me, I'm your wife and I love you have I ever given you cause to doubt me." 

He looks up, still with a flash of anger in his eyes. "What about you and Bobby?"

"Oh god what about me and Bobby?" I'm getting pissed now and I'm literally going to kill Johnny.

"Johnny says he had to have a word with Bobby and warn him off you, as Bobby is always at our house and you two are out there playing happy families, he said when he saw you guys at Christmas it was like...like you were a couple. Is there something there, is that why Bobby only writes now and doesn't visit he has a guilty conscience."

"For fuck sake can you hear yourself?, this is Bobby we are talking about. One of your best friends. Yes he is at the house alot as he is the only one who visits now, he helps out me and Emily with the kids and the two of us probably do rely on him alot but its Bobby we have always turned to him for help and support. Fucking Johnny, look he has got you so wound up." I grab his hand and this time he doesn't pull away.

"This is our time together and its ruined by Johnny playing on your insecurities. You cant be thinking like this as it will drive you insane, Look into my eyes Dutch I'm yours and always have been you have nothing, I mean nothing to worry about. Come on I'm here whenever I can be and otherwise I'm at work or with our kids. It's hard, really hard not being with you but getting with someone else is the last thing on my mind I'm just counting down the days until I can be with you again."

He finally cracks now, and apologises for doubting me. The rest of the visit is peaceful and the kids tell him all about what they have done this week, Ava is just clinging to him, throughout the rest of the visit and doesn't want to let him go as we try to leave. It really does break my heart and I know it cant be easy for him. She will be a teenager when he finally gets released and that's got to be hard for him to deal with.

We say our goodbyes and me and the kids walk away waving until they are no longer in his eyesight.

* * *

June 

Its Ava's 8th Birthday at at her request we went to visit her Dad first thing in the morning so she could see him and have a cuddle. Now we are back at our house where Emily, Mike and Bobby had been getting the house ready for her party.

Mike has been free for a week now and is slowly adjusting back to normal life. I took the kids to stay with Dutchs parents for a few days so they could have the house to themselves and reconnect as a couple and a family but now we are all back together.

Only a few friends are coming over Susan, Barbara and their kids, and just our friends and family I like to keep my circle small now as dont want nosey people knowing my business or snooping around my house.

"Happy Birthday pretty lady." Bobby says grabbing Ava, spinning her around and giving her a kiss as she runs through the door.

"Thank you Uncle Bobby, what have you brought me?"

"Ava, dont be so bloody cheeky, now go get dressed and ready people will start arriving soon."

I go to help Emily set up the last of things and Emily shows me the cake that she went to pick up this morning while we were out.

"Hows Dutch today?" Mike asks as he can see I'm clearly distracted.

"Oh you know, not great, he was happy to see the kids and to see Ava on her birthday but when she was talking about her party and everyone that's coming, it hit him hard as he knows he should be here with her and with us." Emily leans in and gives me a cuddle and then we go to greet the guests that start arriving.

Its days like this that I really miss Dutch and need him here, its hard to take everything on myself and even though I have friends here with me it's not the same as having my husband helping out with the party.

Bobby steps up though and he helps me organise the party games, but when he helps me bring out the cake and take it to Ava as if we were a couple and her parents I can see this gets raised eyebrows from Johnny and Tommy who I know have lots of opinions on mine and Bobby's friendship.

After the party, everyone has dispersed and I start to tidy up, I go to take the trash bags out when I see Johnny and Bobby standing by their cars clearly having words. All I hear as I'm approaching is Johnny saying "She is your best friends wife, I know Dutch said to look our for her but man your taking it too far."

I bang the bin lid to make my presence known to them and they both turn round to see me standing there with my hand on my hip giving them both a wtf look. "Johnny what the hell man, why are you stirring again, me and Bobby are friends and I dont appreciate you insinuating otherwise especially to my husband who is having a bad enough time in jail as it is without you messing his head up with lies and false accusations."

"Wait, what!" Bobby looks shocked as he turns to Johnny "You told Dutch that something is going on between me and Vanessa."

"Look, I just said that you guys were spending alot of time together and that Vanessa may be relying on you to fill the void that Dutch left." Johnny says putting his hands up to us defensively.

"Also you told him that I was all over my work colleague, you cant be stirring like that, I need Dutch to have a clear head so he can behave and get out to us asap. If you make him angry and paranoid he could do something stupid and ruin his clean record." I say literally fuming at him now.

"Look I'm sorry I didnt think of it that way, but he is my best friend and I'm still not convinced that you and that pretty boy at your work are so innocent." He spits back at me.

"How fucking dare you." I scream "I love him and I'm no cheat and it hurts that you would think that, I've been nothing but loyal, I think you should leave now before I lose it and say something I'll regret." I storm back into the house and slam the door behind me. I seriously cant deal with this shit today.


	11. Temptations

December 2014

Today is mine and Dutchs 9th Wedding Anniversary. December is always the hardest time for me as it was always our happy month before this, but now spending our anniversary apart and not having him around for Christmas and New year just stings.

I head up to Lompoc on my own this morning while the kids are at school as I just want to see him on my own, to talk about happy memories and times gone by. I just wish that I could have some one on one time alone not even to have sex but just to hold him, smell him and feel him close to him. I miss him so much, sometimes I feel I cant even breathe.

I get back to the car after my visit and I just break in two I literally sit in the car for about an hour before I can move on again. This just isnt fair.

I have my works Christmas party tonight and I'm looking forward to the distraction and to be able to have a good drink, damn I really need it.

I get home and rest up before Eve comes to collect the kids for the night and even she encourages me to let my hair down and let loose tonight.

Emily helps me get ready by pampering me, doing my nails and curling my hair for me. She knows how down I am and always tries her best to help get me out of my Dutch induced funk.

I put on my long Electric blue dress that has a plunging neckline and she cant stop gushing over how beautiful I look and I just wish that in another time and place I would be wearing this for my anniversary meal not a work party.

Mike offers to drive me over to the conference centre where the party is being held so I can have a drink tonight. The ride is silent for a bit then Mike looks over to me "Hey cuz, you ok over there? Not much of a party person?"

"Yeah I am, and I'm looking forward to letting go for a night, but it's my anniversary and I just miss him so much." I sigh heavily.

"Yeah I get it, and he misses you so much too, seriously you were all he spoke about 24/7 in there. You guys will be fine. Sadly you've just gotta hang in there its shit, but me and Emily are finally back together and enjoying our life now and I never thought that day was going to ever come." He smiles at me sadly.

"I'm glad you two are good Mike you both deserve it." We pull up outside the conference centre and it's so busy that it gives me anxiety.

"Have fun tonight cuz, you look great, get wasted, go wild and if you need a ride back tonight call me later if you need me."

"Thanks alot Mike I love you so much" I say cuddling him and then taking a deep breath i head out into the night and walk into the party.

* * *

There is loads of people in there from all over our hospital and a few other businesses are there too. I state my name and the hospital I work at and I am shown to the table where I'm greeted by some of my other work colleagues.

"Wow Dr Dutch, you look beautiful." Luke stands up to give me a kiss on my cheek. He literally looks like a movie star in his dark blue suit and black shirt that's open at the collar, he has designer stubble going on and he has his hair flicked back and I have to tell myself not to stare.

"Ah thank you Dr Danvers you scrub up well yourself, it's crazy everyone looks so amazing." I say looking around the table. We are only used to seeing each other without makeup and in scrubs, looking shattered and stressed out.

We eat our three course meal that's served to us and then we dance to the soul band that's playing it's a great night and I enjoy the distraction from the shit that is my life at the moment. I'm also enjoying all the wine that's being supplied to our table.

The party comes to an end and the lights all go up, I'm not ready to go home yet I still feel I have so much more energy left in me to burn. Most of our table agrees with me and we all decide to head to one of the bars in Encino to carry on the party.

As we sit at a table Luke goes to the bar and brings back a tray full of shots for us all and I know this night is going to get seriously messy. We are all doing shots and drinking beer, I go to put some music on the jukebox and stumble over to it and try to focus on what's in front of me. Luke comes up behind me and rests his head on my shoulder as he looks to see what song I'm picking. God he smells so good, the rich woody scent of him fills my head and I feel a twinge where I certainly shouldnt be feeling a twinge.

I pull away quickly as soon as I've picked the song, I have to put distance between me and this man. I grab one of the girls from work and I dance with her on the makeshift dancefloor which is sticky from beer.

We dance for a few tracks and I start to feel hot and sweaty so i go to stand outside in the carpark just to get a breather while my head is swimming from vodka and beer.

The door to the bar opens and Luke walks out. "Hey there Nessa, how you holding up, are you feeling ok?"

I lean up against the wall with my head bent down low. "Um not sure, the place was just spinning abit so just wanted some fresh air but now the air has hit me I feel worse."

He comes to stand right in front of me, lifting my head up so I'm staring into his sparkling blue eyes. I just stare at him for what seems like an eternity, feeling things I really shouldnt be feeling and then he presses his lips against mine. His lips feel so soft and his body pressed against mine feels so warm and comforting. I part my lips and feel his tongue enter my mouth, I start to kiss him back and then I feel sick this just feels wrong oh so wrong.

I pull back and push against his chest so he moves away from me, he is so tall and looks over me. "Luke I cant, I'm sorry." He rests his forehead against mine.

"Why Vanessa? I know you like me and I really really like you?"

I pull to the side so I'm not in this compromising position anymore. "Why? Because I'm a married woman, a happily married woman, I love my husband and I cant do this to him I just cant."

"Oh come on Vanessa who are you kidding? You ain't happily married, you're always miserable and crying I could make you so happy if you would give me the chance."

"I'm unhappy as I want my husband with me, and upset as I just miss him so much." I say shaking my head at him.

"He has let you down and you and your kids are paying the price for it. You know I'm the better fit for you, we have more in common and I certainly wouldnt abandon you and make shitty life choices."

I lose it now "Dont bring my kids into this, and you haven't got a clue about my life and you dont know the first thing about my husband." I go to walk off and Luke grabs me by my face and tries to kiss me again I push him off and slap him across the face.

"I said NO! Are you fucking stupid I thought you were my friend Luke for fucks sake." 

"I'm sorry ok, I just really like you and I know you like me and want to be with me too, but you are just scared, scared of him, his friends and probably too scared to allow yourself to be happy. Tonight I saw the real you, laughing, joking and dancing. You could be that happy all the time if you just fucked that loser off once and for all." I slap him hard around the face again and go to grab my bag so I can go home, I'm shaking and so upset.

He chases after me grabbing me by the wrist"You know I'm right that's why youre so pissed off with me."

"Seriously Luke just stay away from me now, you've ruined my night and ruined our friendship."

I wait for a cab as he just storms off back inside. Now I'm just left feeling gross and disgusting I've just cheated on Dutch, and now I dont know what to do, do I tell him or not. He will lose it if I tell him I kissed another guy especially as it was Luke but then again I cant lie and hide things from him as I feel it will eat away at me.


	12. Cobra Kai is back

2017

3 years have passed since that fateful night between me and Luke and so much has changed since then, it did give me a serious wakeup call though. I never told anyone about the kiss, I know that's a pretty shitty secret to keep but I thought no good would come of telling Dutch it would only drive him insane while he was in prison.

Plus no more actually came of it, not for the lack of trying on Luke's part, things were awkward between us so much so that I asked to be transfered to a different part of the hospital so I would no longer be on shifts with him. I had to admit to myself that I did like Luke, like really like him and I could have allowed things to go further that night and beyond but that would have been the end for me and Dutch, he would never have forgiven me for that and I just wasnt ready to lose my husband.

However now Luke is engaged to one of the nurses at the hospital it does hurt abit as it makes me think what if and what could have been. I was at a crossroads that night and whatever decision I made would have had serious consequences.

If I went with Luke I have no doubt he could have made me happy as he was right we did have a lot in common and in another time or place we would have been a perfect couple. But I didnt, once again I chose Dutch which wasnt the easy choice but it's the choice my heart always makes I know I set myself up for heartache but my heart belongs to Dutch and there is nothing I can do about it.

* * *

September 2017

I'm on my way back from the hospital and I'm now having to run a few errands down town, I'm dropping some of Emily's things back to her. Emily, Mike and Bodhi have just moved out of my house to a place in Reseda and I miss them terribly. But it's not like my house is ever quiet with 4 crazy kids still running around but I do miss the adult company and having a man around the house.

I drop off their final box of items and then head back across town as I pass the strip mall I see a familiar sign that stops me in my tracks. Cobra kai what the fuck... my curiosity gets the better of me and I have to pull in and see who is running the business now.

I walk into the dojo and I'm greeted by a cute looking Hispanic boy carrying a mop and bucket.

"Hi can I help you?" He asks politely.

"Hey yeah, can you tell me who runs this dojo?" I say while taking a look around, it's crazy it's like stepping into a time machine. The same writing on the wall, same mats in the corner, just like when I used to meet Dutch after practice.

"Miguel who is it?" And then Johnny appears from the back wearing his black gi and a black headband.

"Oh my god Johnny Lawrence is that you?" I walk over to him and he embraces me in a strong hug. I've hardly seen Johnny in the past 3 years, I heard he had been in trouble alot and was an alcoholic according to Bobby, but he looked pretty good now I'm looking at him.

"Vanessa wow, you look great! Miguel this is my old school friend Vanessa, she is married to one of the most badass guys you could ever meet and one of the original Cobra Kais." I smile at this.

"Hi Miguel, nice to meet you" I say shaking his hand. 

"So Johnny you've brought Cobra Kai back really?" I'm bemused by this all.

He quickly tells me about Cobra Kai and then says. "Why dont we have a catch up, are you free for a drink now?"

"I cant I've got to get back for the kids and relieve my mother in law from babysitting duty, but why dont you come over for dinner tonight?"

"Ok yeah I'll like that, I'll drop Miguel home and then I'll head over tonight."

"Do you remember where I live or do you need a map?" I say sarcastically. This makes him laugh I say goodbye and arrange to see him later.

* * *

When I tell the kids that uncle Johnny is coming over for dinner they are shocked. Bobby still comes over once a week for dinner and he visits Dutch in jail but as far as I know the others dont visit or write to him anymore and I rarely see them.

Johnny arrives, as I'm just finishing off making the salad to go with our lasagne. "Hey Johnny come in, make yourself at home, do you want a beer?"

He sits down at the table and he cant believe how big the kids are and just how much the twins look like Dutch. I ask him to tell me all about Cobra Kai and why he has decided to bring it back.

He tells me the whole story and what lead him to this point in his life. "I cant believe you have started Karate again, but I hope it works out for you and you get some good students and dont even look In the direction of my son remember how bad that went last time." I said taking a sip of my wine.

"To be fair that was your cousin and husband that messed that up not me, and it feels good and different this time my mind is in a different place."

"Well good for you Sensei Lawrence I really hope it all works out for you, you deserve it."

"To Cobra Kai" I say raising my glass and Johnny does the same.

* * *

December 2017

I've been seeing Johnny around and checking in with him on the phone every so often. Leo has also been filling me in on the gossip from school. Johnny's number 1 student took on the bullies at school and caused quite a scene a school but it helped get Johnny loads of new students.

Today me and the kids are going to the all valley u17 karate tournament to cheer on Johnny and Cobra Kai. It really brought back memories for me of being here with Dutch.

Remembering his loss to Daniel, me being secretly pregnant and then our breakup following a row in the carpark. Ava snaps me out of my not so pleasant trip down memory lane to tell me Uncle Johnny was waving over at us.

I gave him a thumbs up and the kids all cheered for him and then I'm shocked to see the Larussos all enter the arena and take a seat too. Wow I didnt expect that at all. 

I tap Daniel on his shoulder and say hi, he is also shocked to see me "Hi Vanessa, wow how are you?, I'm guessing you're here to cheer on Johnny?"

"Yeah he invited us all down, I didnt know you would be here, jeez I didn't think I would be here, I haven't been at a tournament since the one in 84" I say raising my eyebrows.

"Oh dear dont bring that." Amanda says rolling her eyes.

Daniel looks at the kids sitting by me "Wow they really are his mini me's arent they." I smile at my boys and I notice Daniel nor Amanda ask about Dutch which tells they already know where he is. As I said gossip spreads fast in the Valley.

The tournament starts and I see Johnny hasnt really learnt much, his students just seem as ruthless and vicious as Johnny and the gang were back in the 80s.

Then I see that the boy fighting on the other side is Robby, as in Johnny's son Robby, what the hell is this.

I can see there is still bad blood on all sides here, especially when Daniel gets involved and goes to support Robby. Right I have clearly missed something here, and Johnny has some seriously explaining to do later.


	13. Fun prison visits

January 2018

I get to Dutchs table at Lompoc and I can see he is beaming from ear to ear and in a really good mood.

He squeezes me tight and grips my hand tight as I sit down.

"Babe I've got some amazing news." He is practically bouncing in his seat I haven't seen him like this since before he was incarcerated.

"What, tell me? What's got you so excited." I say loving the way his face is lighting up.

"I had a meeting yesterday and if I continue with my clean record in here I'll be eligible for release in December 2019 so only 23 months to go"

"Oh my god, it's so nice to have a date to count down too, oh babe I'm so pleased. Just stick to it then we are on the homestrech now." I kiss his hand quickly and squeeze it tight.

He gives me that gorgeous lopsided smile "That's not all, as I'm now in my final years here, they want to help me reconnect with my family so it's not too much of a shock for us all on the outside and it will give me something to aim for and behave for. They are going to allow me Conjugal visits."

"WHAT!!! Are you shitting me" I nearly scream and then get embarrassed as other people turn to look at our table.

Dutch let's out that chuckle that drives me wild. "No I am not, ill be getting one every other month if I keep my record clean that is and it increases in hours as i get closer to release. It's not just for me and you, it's also so I can spend time with the kids alone without prying eyes. It's in one of those cabins you see as you walk in, 3 hours initially but in my final year I could get up to 48 hours with you guys."

I start to cry now the thought of being able to hold him and spend the night with him after all this time is just too overwhelming. "Sorry it's just too much to take in I cant believe this, I mean dont get me wrong I cant wait to touch and kiss you again but it will be great to spend time alone as a family, the kids are gonna go wild especially Ava."

"I know and I dont want to sound like a shitty dad but I think the first one I'm granted should just be between us, I really think we need it." He says looking at me hopefully.

"I know I totally agree, when do you think that will be?" He laughs at my eagerness.

"Not sure yet, they just said sometime this year, things have got to be worked out between me and you and I have to meet certain criteria before they can go ahead with it. But If I know its going to happen at least I know I have something to look forward to."

"I love you so much Dutch." 

"I love you too."

I leave in a better mood today as I know the end is in sight and finally good things are coming our way. I knew I was right to hold on and wait for my man.

* * *

August 2018

Me and Emily are having Lunch out at a little french bistro in town.

"I cant believe you and Dutch have your first conjugal this month, I still think its hilarious, like a porno." She bursts out laughing. Its took ages to get his visits granted both of us having to go through rigorous checks.

"You're telling me if you had the chance while Mike was in there that you wouldnt do it?"

"Oh shit yeah I would have, but we never had the option as Mike didnt know how to behave. Dont you think it will be weird, you haven't even kissed him for nearly 10 years let alone touched his dick."

"It will be weird im not gonna lie and I dont know how it's all going to work but it will be nice just to talk to him and hold him without out every move being scrutinised. I haven't told his parents or the kids that what's happening they think the first visit is in October when the kids can come with me."

"Yeah dont want the in laws knowing about your dirty prison sex are you going to dress up as a guard for him." She laughs way too hard at this.

"You are sick." I say throwing a napkin at her head.

* * *

It's the day of my conjugal visit and I'm nervous, like really nervous and I dont know why. I mean this is Dutch, before we got back together we hadn't had sex for 15 years and it just felt so normal and right to be with him.

Maybe is coz I know we will be having sex in that creepy cabin, or that the guards will know what we are doing in there.

I prepare my body, I mean I haven't had sex for nearly 10 years I admit I might be a bit behind on the upkeep of things. Everything is now waxed, and moisturized I feel like a teenager again it's so weird.

I go to the prison and check in and I just feel that they are judging me as they know where I'm going and what I'm here for.

My bags are taken off me and I'm thoroughly searched and then lead to the first cabin on the right. As the guard takes me through he explains the rules, and that I'm not allowed to leave until they come and get me in precisely 3 hours. They show me around the cabin which is basically just a room with a sofa, a tv, a little kitchenette to make drinks and snacks. A bathroom and 2 bedrooms with a double bed in the big room and 2 single beds in the smaller room and I cringe when I see they have put condoms and lube on the side table in the main bedroom.

I sit on the sofa and wait for Dutch to be escorted into the room. He looks just as nervous as I do, but cheers up when he sees me sitting on the sofa.

We wait until the guard gives Dutch his orders and then finally leaves. As soon as he does I leap up from the sofa and practically Jump into his huge arms. 

I squeeze him so tight, that I almost just melt into his arms. I pull away and look into his handsome rugged face. I kiss him on that scar on his bottom lip that I adore so much, and then lay kisses all over his face. He has kept his greying stubble which I find so sexy on him, he has short dark hair which is also greying at the temples. He seriously just gets sexier with age.

He grabs my face with his big hands and then starts to kiss me, and it's like no time has passed at all. He still tastes and feels the same. My mouth opens to him, his tongue massages mine and it gets hot and heavy fast, nearly 10 years of pent up sexual frustration being let out. I pull away gasping for air.

We smirk at each other as we both pant. "I thought this would be so weird Dutch, I was so nervous about this whole thing."

"I wasnt at all, all I knew was that I couldnt wait to be able to touch and kiss you again."

I pull him by his hands into the bedroom area. I try not to think about the bed situation and just hope they have a good maid here. 

I kiss him, take a step back and remove my dress, I'm literally wearing just underwear and a maxi dress as little clothes as possible for easy access and removal.

"Fucking hell, you are still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." He says as he sees me in just my bra and panties so I'm guessing all my gym sessions and yoga have clearly been paying off.

He pulls down my bra and captures my nipple in his mouth, sucking and slightly nibbling it making me gasp. He removes his sweats quickly and shows me that he too has been hitting the gym in here, still tanned and toned just with slightly more hair on his chest and leading down to his boxers. He looks amazing, so amazing that I'm clearly drooling and all my concerns and worries just disappear.

"I've missed you so much" I say dropping to my knees in front of him and start rubbing him through his boxers. When I feel him harden in my palm, I pull down his boxers down and off and free his incredible length. "Shit I forgot how big you were." I say and then I take him in my mouth, he moves my hair so he can get a good look of what I'm doing to him. He is making noises that are just sending me over the edge. 

I put my hands in my pants and start rubbing myself to help ease the throbbing sensation I'm feeling down there and can feel how wet I am already for him. He sees what I'm doing and gasps. 

"No babe, that's not right, I've waited too long for this just to have us both cum like this, I need to be inside you." He pulls me up and I remove my damp panties.

He sucks my fingers and then pulls me in for a kiss, he pushes me down on to the bed and doesn't miss a beat he is on me in a second. He licks up my hot centre and tastes how ready I am for him. He rubs himself up and down my entrance and I physically cant stand it anymore.

"Dutch hurry up and fuck me, I need you in me now." My whole body is just aching for him. He gives me that smirk then enters me slowly, slowly he fills me up and he feels amazing.

He hovers over me and then starts moving, in and out of me all the while his mouth and is all over me. Biting and sucking at my neck and breasts. Bless him he doesn't last long but it just feels so good.

He apologies for finishing so quickly but I cant be too mad at him. I clean up and then lie back down next to him.

"Dont worry about it Babe, it's our first time in years we were both bound to be sensitive, we have another 1hr 30 minutes left we can go again" I say laughing. "But if I'm honest with you I'm not bothered it's this I wanted and this I've missed just lying here with you, listening to your heart beat and feeling the warmth of you next to me."

He smiles at me and then kisses me softly "you really are the best wife ever." This stings as I wonder if he would say that if he knew that I had kissed another man I push the thought away now is not the time to go all confessional.

We talk about life in general as if we haven't got a care in the entire world as if we arent lying inside the walls of a prison.

We plan our next visit which will be October and the kids will be with me next time. Before our time is up we go for another round this time I'm on top so I can get a real good look at his face and body and so i can take it all in.

I get dressed and freshened up before our time is up. Then we just lie on the bed kissing and hugging until there is a knock on the cabin door telling us our time is up. I'm gutted and I dont want to leave him, but I've enjoyed our visit and I cant wait for the kids to see him next time.

Oh well back to the real world now, I need to get moving as I have work but I definitely have more of a spring in my step today.


	14. Tommy

August 2018

I arrive at the hospital, for my shift and go get changed I head up to the wards and go check on Tommy who has been admitted to our hospital a few weeks back now.

He has cancer and his symptoms are worsening. "Hey Tommy, just popping in to say hi before I carry on my rounds." Me and Tommy may have never been close but I have known him since I was 17 and he is one of my husbands best friends, so naturally I care deeply for him.

"Hey Nessa" he says looking from the sport on the t.v to look at me. "Hows Dutch doing?" I told him I would be visiting today but not the nature of my visit obviously. 

"He is ok, we are on the countdown to his release now and I couldnt be happier for me and the kids." I smile at him, I check his charts and see his vitals are slipping it doesn't look good and he doesn't look very good either, the colour seems to be draining from his face and he has definitely lost weight rapidly since he arrived here.

"I'm pleased for you, I hope he just learns to behave when he comes out, life is too short and you deserve a happy ending after all this." I squeeze his hand and thank him. I tell him I'll visit again soon and carry on my rounds. 

As I leave the room I call Bobby and tell him that Tommy is in a bad way and that he should tell the guys to come and visit asap before it's too late.

I'm 2 hours into my shift when Luke comes to see me, we are quite cordial now even though there is still a slight awkwardness between us and he knows that I try to avoid being left alone with him at any point.

"Vanessa, your friend with cancer has gone."

"What? What do you mean gone?" I'm shocked and confused.

"He had 3 visitors early and now he has gone they all have, the staff are going crazy as they dont know how he even managed to sneak out without them seeing him."

"Shit! I think I know what happened. Them stupid bastards, excuse me Luke, thanks for telling me." I go to grab my phone and finally get through to Bobby.

"Where the hell are you and where is Tommy?" I cant believe they would do this.

"Now Vanessa calm down, you were right he is in a bad way and hasnt got long left and he didnt just want to rot in hospital so we have all took him for one last ride and night out."

"I get it, I do but this is so unethical he is a terminally ill man and should be here, just take care of him ok Bobby, send him my love and take care of each other and I'll see you in a couple of days ok?"

"Ok Ness, thank you, I'll see you when I get back ok." We hang up and I shake my head I should really report this but who I am to steal away a dying mans last days of fun on this earth. If he wants to be with his friends then so be it.

* * *

The next day, I'm just getting showered and ready as the kids are playing out in the pool when I hear my front door banging.

I run downstairs as I know the kids wont get it and I answer the door to see Bobby standing there, looking like a broken man and I know that the worst has happened.

I call him in and embrace him as he sobs. We just stand in the hallway crying and hugging each other for ages.

"You did the right thing then Bobby, you guys have given him one more great day as a Cobra you should be pleased with yourselves."

"Yeah we are trying to tell ourselves that and then notify everyone we know, the guys are a mess though."

"Shit I've got to tell Dutch, He will be distraught that he wasnt there and that he will now miss the funeral too." I know Dutch will be devastated that once again his stupidity meant that he will be missing another huge life event that he should be here for the poor guy is going to crack.

* * *

Its the day of Tommy's funeral and me and the kids are all dressed and ready to go, I've allowed the kids to go as they have known Tommy for most of their lives so only fair to allow them to go, to say goodbye.

We have a great send off where Bobby makes a lovely speech about Tommy. Then we all go to a bar where they have rented space for the wake. It's great everyone shares funny stories about Tommy and we all remember him with fondness.

After the wake I ask Bobby to come back with us so he isnt on his own, he really is in a bad way. It's the least I can do he is always there for me whenever I have needed him.

Plus everyone else has other plans Johnny tells us he has a date with Miguel's mom which is very interesting but good for him he needs a decent woman to keep him in check.

After I put the youngest kids to bed and Leo goes to his room to play on his computer, I crack open a bottle of wine and take the two glasses outside where Bobby is sitting by the pool.

"How you holding up Bobby?" I ask giving him a smile.

"Not great, I just cant believe he has gone Nessa, how can it be that I'm never going to see or speak to him again."

"I know Bobby, it's hard really hard to deal with. But we will get through it together we always do, I'm here whenever you need me." I rest my head on his shoulder. We sit like that for awhile in silence just drinking the wine.

"Right Bobby, I better go to bed it's late, the kids are back at school tomorrow and Leo's starting college." I say standing up. "You just make yourself at home, and you know which room your staying in dont you?"

Bobby stand ups, swaying and gives me a hug as he pulls away, he just stares at me with an odd look on his face and then he goes to kiss me on my lips. I turn my head last minute so he catches my cheek, he notices my awkwardness as I pull away quickly.

"Sorry Vanessa, I didnt mean anything by that, I dont know what I was thinking."

"Its ok." I say shaking my head "you're upset, we've had a drink, it's nothing dont worry. Night Bobby I'll see you in the morning."

"Are you going to tell Dutch, he will kill me." He says looking worried.

"Tell Dutch what? That you kissed me on the cheek not exactly a scandal." I smile sweetly and carry on inside and leave him to it. I do feel awkward though ah well that's definitely a conversation for another time and place.

* * *


	15. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little filler chapter to link to the next part, couldnt really ignore this part of CK as it obviously has such a big impact on all the characters involved.

September 2018

I'm at work on my lunch break when Leo calls me from college.

"Mom have you heard what's happened at West Valley High, it's all over the internet?"

"No what's happened?" I say concerned.

"There was a huge fight, I've sent the video to your phone now. It's all uncle Johnny's students mom it looks really bad I wouldnt be surprised if any of the kids arent heading your way."

I thank him for sending it to me and I hang up so I can watch the video. Fuck me, the video looks vicious, so glad Leo wasnt still at school there.

As I'm about to finish off my pasta salad I get paged to head down to the admissions ward, I guess this is the kids coming in.

* * *

I'm told there is a boy being brought in with a spinal injury and then a few kids with cut and scrapes needing stitches etc.

I head into one side room and I'm shocked to see Amanda and Daniel in there with their daughter looking pretty badly beaten up.

"Hi Daniel, Amanda." I say walking in.

"Vanessa hey," they both look really upset and stressed.

I go to their daughter Samantha and check her over she has some nasty scrapes. But the cut on her bicep was the nastiness.

"Right Samantha, I'm Dr Dutch but you can call me Vanessa I've known your dad since we were 17 so think we can drop the formalities." I smile at her.

She smiles back but I can see true sadness in her young eyes. "Right let's get you patched up and give you a full check over." Her rattled breath worries me and the way she winced when she breathed in makes me think she may have a cracked rib.

"Right guys, I'm going to have to take Samantha down for an x ray, dont worry I think she might have a cracked rib so I just want to get her checked out to be on the safe side."

Daniel thanks me and they both look so rattled. I dont know what led to this but it's not good and I have a feeling Johnny might know more about this than he should.

* * *

As I wheel Samantha down, "Vanessa, do you know how Miguel is? Is he going to be ok?"

"Oh no, is Miguel the boy with the spinal injury."

She starts to sob, which makes her hold her side in pain. "I will find out honey and let you know ok, dont get upset. When we get back from your xray I'll go check on him for you."

"This is all my fault, this whole fight was my fault." 

"Oh honey you arent responsible for others actions, You just need to concentrate on yourself right now "

I wait as we get her xray and her results are all clear so I wheel her back up to her bedroom and as promised i went to check on Miguel.

As I go through i walk in on Miguel's mom shouting at Johnny. Johnny looks like a broken man and walks off and leaves them alone as he was asked to do he never even noticed that I was there.

I speak to the nurse in charge and I'm told that it doesn't look good, Miguel is in a coma and every hour now is crucial to his recovery.

How can I go back and tell Samantha that, the poor girl is going to be crushed and I must get in touch with Johnny he looks like he needs support too.

Where is Dutch when I need him, this is the type of day where I'd love to go home to my husband and bend his ear about my troublesome day.

I keep trying to call Johnny all night and it just keeps going to voicemail and now I'm really worried and concerned for his health and safety. We have just lost Tommy and now this he is so going to spiral again.


	16. Family Time

October 2018

The time has finally come for family day so much craziness has happened since I last visited Dutch and I just need to calm and normalcy of seeing him and the kids have been looking forward to this for so long.

We head up to Lompoc early today, the twins are excited and bouncing around in the backseat but Ava is unusually quiet next to me, I can see she is nervous. She loves her daddy but she hates the prison and going in there, I've explained that these visits are different and we wont be watched so we can have daddy all to ourselves for 3 hours.

We head into the prison and go through the rigorous checks, I'm not happy with how they search the kids this time and even empty their pockets and bags its invasive and unfair as I can see how uncomfortable it makes them feel especially Ava I mean she is 12 going on 18 and she is very aware of her body and rights. I cant wait for Dutch to be free so we dont have to go through this anymore.

We are shown to a cabin a different one this time it's much bigger, even though the first thing that Gabe notices is how tiny the tv is and how lame the film selection is. Dom and Ava just go and investigate every room so I have to quickly go find the condoms and lube that are left out on the side and hide them in a drawer that's a conversation I dont want to be having with the kids.

After about 10 minutes the door opens and in walks Dutch, he is told the rules as we all are and then we are finally left alone.

Ava runs to him and gives him a big cuddle, the boys just grunt hi.

"Hey come on is there no hugs for your old man?" He asks the two who are now just trying to decide what movie to put on. They finally go over to him and give him a quick hug.

Then finally I get in on the action, I give him a lingering kiss and hold him tight nestling in the crook of his neck. 

We sit down on the sofa, Dutch in the middle of me and Ava and we are both cuddled up to him. His two best girls, the boys are watching Batman begins the only film that wasnt Lame apparently. We are about 15 mins into the film when I get up to make everyone a drink and see what snacks are left for us to make for the movie.

Dutch then comes into the Kitchen area with me and hugs me from behind as I'm pulling glasses and cups out of the cabinet.

"Hey Baby" I say leaning into him.

"Hey beautiful." He answers kissing me on the cheek and then trails kisses down my neck making me shiver. 

He feels so good and I let out a little moan and then remember where we are "Dutch, stop, the kids are right there." I say giggling.

"I know, I know sorry! I've just missed you so much I cant wait till our next alone visit."

I turn around and kiss him on the lips, I know how he feels as I could just hug and kiss him for the whole 3 hours and not get bored. But this visit Is for the kids and for family time.

He helps me grab the drinks and snacks and then we head back to the kids, the boys are engrossed in the movie but soon change their mind when I grab a board game and we all decide to play that together.

It's nice to have us all sitting around the table, playing a game and laughing and joking like a normal family would on a sunday afternoon, I forget where we actually are for awhile.

After we have completed the game we have an hour left here.

"Kids, I just need to talk to your dad in private for a minute do you mind? We wont be long I promise." 

The kids all exchange glances and agree that it's fine, so I take Dutch into the bathroom the only room with a lockable door when we get inside and lock the door he is on me straight away and kissing me with passion and force.

"Wait" I say breaking away breathlessly "I did actually want to speak to you." I say giggling.

"Oh, boy did I misread your intentions." He says looking disappointed.

I quickly talk to him about the school fight and Johnny, Dutch agrees that I should reach out to him, if I cant get him on the phone I should go visit him and see what's happening as he clearly needs a friend right now. I say I'll do that as soon as I'm free next week.

"Right, come on we have literally 45 mins left, can you just kiss me at least." He says almost begging.

I start kissing him and then I sneak my hands down the front of his boxers, making him gasp, I put my fingers to his lips to signal him to be quiet.

He returns the favour by lifting up my skirt and inserting his big thick fingers inside me, he can feel how wet I am for him already. 

"Can we?" He says

"We can, but we have got to be so quiet, can you do that? I dont want to be traumatizing our children" I say whispering

"I can be quiet, it's you that's the screamer." He says laughing making me slap him. We can hear the kids laughing loud as they are now watching the Simpsons DVD so they are clearly distracted right now.

I answer him by turning around, dropping my panties and bending over the sink.

"Holy shit, your dirty, I fucking love it." He says whispering. But then I hear him quickly losing his Jean's and pulling everything down, I feel him lining up against my entrance and entering me slowly. Ok this is going to be tough to be quiet.

After our quickie we clean up and straighten up hoping the kids wont notice how flushed and breathless we are. 

We walk back out and sit by the kids watching the remaining part of the episode snuggling the kids as a family until that stupid guard comes to take him back and split us up again.


	17. Helping out a friend

November 2018

I finish work early one afternoon and decide to swing by Johnny's as I haven't seen him around the hospital since Miguel got discharged and his phone is just constantly going to voicemail, Dutch is right I need to reach out to him he is one of my oldest friends after all. 

I know Bobby had seen him when he came and made a scene at his church and then he hasnt seen him since he didnt show up to visit Robbie in Juvie. The whole thing is just screwed so I know I have to reach out to him.

I bang on his door and he answers after a beat and genuinely looks happy to see me, he looks ok better than I thought he would.

"Hey handsome, how are you doing? I've missed you. And do you ever answer your phone?" I say as he pulls me into a hug.

"Hey Nessa, ah its good to see you. Come in, make yourself comfortable." I walk in and see the apartment is a bit scruffy, pizza boxes and beer bottle and caps everywhere.

"I would offer you a drink but I dont think I've got anything."

"That's why Im here I thought as much, I've brought you some groceries, come and help me get the bags out of the car."

"Nessa i dont need your charity." He says shaking his head.

"Hey I'm offended this isnt charity it's a friend looking out for another friend, I love you Johnny Lawrence we all do, and i want to make sure that you are ok, plus Dutch told me that I had to or else he would be pissed at me." I laugh.

"I appreciate it, it's nice that you guys still care." 

I give him a sad smile and I know that's Johnny's problem he thinks that everyone has abandoned him and no one gives a shit.

He goes to get dressed properly and freshened up while I start restocking his fridge and freezer and then start to clean up things with the products I've brought. There is a knock at the front door, I go to open it and see the pretty latino I recognise from the hospital, ah this must be Carmen.

She looks taken back as she sees a woman standing in Johnny's apartment. "Hey, I'm Vanessa, you're Miguel's mother arent you? Come in let me just shout Johnny he is just in the bathroom."

"Hey Vanessa, yeah I am, wait you're a Dr from the hospital arent you? Ugh it's fine it's clearly a bad time." 

A look flashes across her face and I see shes taking this the wrong way, she thinks Johnny has hooked up with a Dr from the hospital when he was supposed to be visiting Miguel.

"Oh no, no it's not like that me and Johnny have been friends since we were 17, I'm married to one of his best friends. I'm just checking on him as I knew that he wasnt taking care of himself. Please come in and I'll grab you a drink while you wait for him."

She smiles and comes in, still not looking any less awkward.

"Wow it smells of cleaning products in here and are you actually able to make a drink other than beer." She says laughing.

"Yep I've stocked up his cupboards and fridge so please tell him that he needs to eat the fresh produce and not live out of takeaway boxes." I say as I hear Johnny come into the room.

"Carmen, Hi, I see you've met Vanessa, Ness is one of oldest friends." He says as if he is worried that she has misread the situation of another woman being in the house.

"Its ok lover boy I've explained I'm married to one of your best mates and I'm just your cleaning lady." I say nudging him smiling. 

"Johnny is lucky to have such lovely friends looking out for him." Carmen says smiling at me.

"Thank you, we have to look out for each other in our low times and lord knows I've had my share and the guys have always been there for me whenever I've needed them, so I'm only repaying the favour." I say squeezing Johnny.

"Right I've made you both a coffee there but I better head off as I've got to grab the kids from school." I say grabbing my purse and keys.

"You dont have to rush off on my account, I only came over to ask johnny if he wanted dinner with us tonight, but Vanessa you are more than welcome to join us if you wish." Carmen asks.

"Ah that is so kind of you, but I wont be able to tonight though because of the kids and my friend Bobby is actually coming over for his weekly dinner, another one I have to take care of."

I have a little think "I've got an idea though, why dont you, Johnny and Miguel come to mine for dinner later in the week I've got 4 kids so cant ask you to host us it's too much for anyone but I'd love you guys to come over."

"Wow 4 kids, you look incredible to say you've had 4 kids," Carmen says looking me up and down.

"Ah thank you, you are so sweet."

"I cant wait to meet your husband then, be interesting to hear some stories about Johnny." She smiles.

"Ah you wont be meeting my husband for another 13 months, when he gets released from prison." I can see Carmen's face drop not knowing whether I'm joking or not.

"I'm so sorry, I didnt know." She actually looks mortified.

"Its ok, he has been there for nearly 10 years, I'm used to it now, I am gonna miss seeing that look on people's faces when I tell them where my husband is though." I say laughing.

I say goodbye and make arrangements to see them all at mine on friday night for dinner.

* * *

On Friday after school we start to prepare the italian feast I have planned for us all tonight. Ava and Leo are helping me in kitchen and are looking forward to Johnny coming over for dinner again. I know Leo loves his Uncles and misses them all being around all the time like they used to be.

When our guests arrive, I help Miguel in as he is still in his wheelchair. Carmen hands me a bottle of wine as a gift and Johnny has brought me flowers, I say thanks and I believe these are Carmen's idea as I've hosted loads of dinners for Johnny and he has never brought me gifts before.

We all sit around the table and ease into easy conversations Leo and Miguel seem to take an instant liking to each other as they sort of know each other from school anyway.

Ava helps me host the party, we serve the bruschetta starters, and wine to the adults and lemonade to the kids. I really like Carmen she seems sweet and she compliments Johnny really well, plus I can see how much he cares for Miguel like he is his own son, lots of love and respect there.

Johnny has to help me put the hot pots and heated trays on the table for the chicken parmigiana, spaghetti and the bowls of salad. Half way through the meal something clicks in with Miguel.

"Holy shit! Your husband is Dutch." 

I laugh "yeah it is, how do you know Dutch?"

"Johnny has told me some crazy ass stories about Dutch"

"Hmmm has he now? and I wonder what stories those would be Johnny." I say looking across the table at him.

"Honestly only good funny ones, all my best childhood stories are about the mad things Dutch has done." I smile and I can see the twins and Ava are too, they love the crazy stories about their dad.

"Yeah it was just great stories, he sounds like a cool dude i cant wait to meet him." I smile at him.

"Thanks Miguel, we haven't got long left now thankfully then maybe out lives can get back to normal, whatever that maybe." I say smiling but actually feeling a little sad, it's when I see happy couples I do miss my husband.

Leo helps me clear the table of the empty plates, the twins go grab some pudding and leave the table now clearly bored with dinner party conversation.

I see Ava doesn't want to leave the table but I think she may have taken a liking to Miguel bless her heart. I serve up the tiramisu for dessert and the conversation is just easy and I didnt realise just how much I needed an evening like this a total distraction.

Carmen offers to help me clean up and load the dishwasher, so we take that as an opportunity to have a girly gossip and crack open another bottle of wine while we tidy.

I really like this woman and as they are leaving I give Johnny a tight cuddle and tell him not to fuck this one up as she is a total keeper and we arrange to do it again.

I really do need to make more of an effort with my friends as when Dutch comes out we are going to need all the friends and support we can get.


	18. Christmas Time part one

December 2018

I have another visit coming up with Dutch and this time I have been given a longer access as it's our anniversary. We have six hours this time and I'm positively giddy they are even allowing us to have food brought in so that we can have an anniversary dinner.

I have told the kids that this time I will be visiting Daddy on my own as it's our anniversary and I want to spend some time just us. But they will be doing the christmas visit as usual which they look forward to every year but I can tell you from a parents/wife's point of view it is literally the most depressing thing ever. Swapping presents, acting happy knowing full well that we cant take Daddy home with us, well he only has one Christmas left in that hell hole and starting from January I'm in proper countdown mode.

I feel good and happy about christmas approaching for the first time in a long time. To top it all off Ali has called me and said she will be in town for christmas as her and her husband have sadly split up and she will be here visiting her family so we have arranged a girly catchup for all of us.

* * *

I arrive at Mike and Emily's as they have offered to have the kids for me while I'm on my visit. Ava is excited as she loves her Aunt Emily and is looking forward to a girlie day as promised by her Auntie. The twins are equally excited as they are as crazy as Bodhi and the big kid Mike. Their house is always full of music, fun and noise.

I sit down for a coffee, before I have to leave.

"So prison slut what you got planned for Dutch today? Cops and Robbers? Guard and prisoner?" Emily laughs.

"Ugh gross, I dont want to think of my cousin like that?" Mike says pulling a face.

"Your wife is sick" I say sticking my tongue out at Emily. "I know it's not the most romantic destination for our anniversary and its certainly not one to tell the grandkids about, but I'll have to take what I can get I guess. At least he will be out by our next anniversary."

"Yeah honey, not long left now. In all fairness I cant believe how quick these 10 years have gone?" Emily says.

"Not for me they haven't. I've felt every single friggin second of these 10 years." I say sadly.

"Yeah sorry that was insensitive of me but I still say Dutch is a lucky man to have such an understanding wife. Any other woman would have left his ass long ago, yet throughout you've visited 2 times a week, raised his kids, been faithful and now prison sex I dont know how you find the strength for it." 

"God you make me sound like a right doormat! But I find the strength as I love him and will only love him so what is the point in leaving him I could never be with another man."

"Hmmmmm" they say both exchanging glances.

"What does that mean, I have been faithful throughout." I go on the defensive and actually feel hurt.

"No I know you have its just me and Mike always thought that you would end up with Bobby, I mean you two have always been close and would make a sweet couple and literally no body would have judged you if you two did make that leap."

"Bobby? I adore Bobby but we are clearly just friends. Imagine me running off with Dutchs best friend jeez." I feel like I'm defending myself way too much now that I sound guilty I quickly change the conversation and before I head off to Lompoc like the good little doormat wife that I am.

* * *

I do the usual check in routine and finalize the plans for the food that ive had to order for us. Its cost me an extra $100 for this visit but I dont care i would have paid a million dollars if it meant us having a proper anniversary meal and extended time together. I just cant wait till he can take me out to a proper meal when he gets out of here.

I go into the cabin and wait for him by setting up the table, they wont allow us to have real candles so I've brought in some fake flame ones, they will have to do for now.

Dutch walks in as I'm setting out the plates and balloons they have also allowed me to bring in.

"Wow you really have gone to town haven't you?" He says taking in the sight of the gaudy decor.

"I know, I know its tacky but I wanted to do something special so you didnt think this was any old visit." I say smiling.

"You've got a wonderful woman there Dutch, that's your reason to get out and play straight, you are a lucky lucky man" the guard says finally walking out and leaving us alone.

"Happy 13th Anniversary Babe, unlucky for some but not for us as it will be the last one we spend apart." I say kissing him.

"Happy Anniversary by beautiful wife" he says returning the kiss, but deeper this time. "How long have we got till the food gets here?" He says wiggling his eyebrows.

"Um we have just over an hour." I say checking my watch. "Do you want your gift now or later?"

"Now, of course you know I'm not a patient man."

"Ok then follow me!" I lead him into the bedroom area and tell him to lie down on the bed. "Do you know whats the official gift of 13 years?" He shakes his head and let's me continue. "Its Lace" I say as i remove my dress to show him my red lacy underwear set that I am wearing. 

His jaw nearly hits the floor and I'm so pleased that after 13 years I can still have that affect on him.

I crawl up the bed remove his jeans, and see through his boxers just how much he likes his gift so I put him in my mouth and give him his second present of the day.

After we have pleasured each other with our mouths and tongues, leaving us both in a panting sticky mess. I tell him we have to clean up and get dressed as food will be here soon. We can play again later but as I've spent a fortune on the food we are definitely eating it.

* * *

The guard brings in our chinese food, which I take from him and dish up on to plates for us to pick at on the table.

"I know it's nothing special but its the best I could do." I say.

"Are you kidding me blow jobs and chinese food like food with actual flavour this is the best day ever." He laughs.

"I cant wait till next year when we finally go to a real restaurant, theres a gorgeous italian opened in Malibu and I definitely want to go there. So you better behave next year and get out as I already have it all planned and it's going to be an expensive one for you."

He laughs at this. "I dont doubt that for a second but your worth it. I cant believe we have made it to 13 years. You really are an amazing woman, I dont know what I did to deserve you but when I'm out I'll do everything in my power to repay you for your kindness and support."

"Ah Babe, you just being out and us being a family is more thank you then I'll ever need. I just want you to stay out of trouble so we can grow old together surrounded by our grandkids." I say getting misty eyed at this.

"I will I promise you I'll never let you down again." And I may be a fool but I truly believe him.

We finish dinner and clear up, then head to the bedroom to lie down after our feast. I just lie on his chest feeling his heart beat with my hand under his shirt tracing circles on his skin as we are talking about the kids, Christmas, and all the things we can do when he is finally out. 

It's starting to feel real to me now, the end is in sight and I just cant wait to have him home with me and I do feel a calm come over me. 


	19. Christmas Time Part Two

* * *

I walk into Barbara's house and the other girls are already there.

"Ali honey, ah I've missed you so much." I say squeezing her tight, "I'm so sorry about you two getting a divorce, you deserve much more anyway."

We all sit down as Barbara has prepared us a afternoon tea with mimosas so I'm happy. We catch up on all we have missed, I tell the guys about Dutchs release date and our conjugal visits which makes them a laugh but I do spare them the gory details.

Ali tells us about her date with Johnny, which I have mixed feelings about as I really like Carmen but I know Johnny and Ali have always had this connection dating back to when we were kids.

"Yeah well at the end of it, he said he was really into this woman he was seeing called Carmen and left to be with her."

"Wow what a dick move." Susan says

"Yeah I've met Carmen and her son Miguel and I really like both of them and I think she is good for Johnny, so I don't get why he did go on a date with you, but I guess youre Ali all those past feelings do come flooding back, I know that better than anyone." I say holding her hand.

"Vanessa have you thought what's going to happen when Dutch comes out of prison, life is going to be ber different for all of you." Emily says "it was hard for Mike to readjust and he wasnt in there as long as Dutch has been."

"Yeah I mean, I would love to move away from here and start afresh, but that's not possible as he will be on probation for a bit, but I think for awhile that will be for the best as he will need his friends around him."

"Yeah he will need his friends around him and all the support that he can get in those first few months. I swear he better keep on the straight path or I will kick his ass if he messes this up again." Emily says smiling at me.

The conversation gets lighter, talking about Christmas and what all our plans are. I tell them that I'll be spending my last Christmas without Dutch with his parents, Mike, Emily and Bobby will be joining us too, I invited Ali to join us as I hate to think of her without her kids but she is happy just being with her parents this year.

We finish up, thank Barabara for her hospitality and arrange to meet up at Susan's New Year party before Ali has to head back to Denver.

* * *

Its Christmas Eve, and me and the kids head up to Lompoc early for present swap day even Leo is joining us today.

We arrive at the prison go through the checks, and then head into the main hall which is extra noisy with all the kids and families visiting.

I see Dutch sitting at his table, he always looks nervous looking at the door as if we wouldnt ever turn up for him.

Ava runs over to him and cuddles him, It always chokes me how emotional he gets when he hugs the kids, especially Ava.

"Hey Babe, Merry Christmas." He says pulling me to him for a brief cuddle and a peck on the lips. Which doesn't feel as bad anymore nie that I know that I can kiss and do other things with him every other month.

"Merry Christmas handsome." We all sit down at the table after we have all taken it in turns to give him a cuddle. "I have given the guards your presents, it's only little trinkets from me and the kids."

There isnt much we are allowed to give him, but the kids have made a photo frame with a picture of us all in there for him and we have all written him a card.

"Thanks to you all, I appreciate it, I cant wait till next Christmas when I can spend it all with you properly I will spoil you all rotten I promise." And I know he means it.

"So tell me, what's your plans for Christmas this year? Let me live vicariously through you guy's?"

"Well we are going to host it at our house this year, your parents will be joining us, as is Mike, Emily and Bodhi oh and Bobby."

I see him roll his eyes at the last name "oh of course Bobby will be joining you all, playing happy families with my kids and wife."

I look at the kids and smile awkwardly "Babe dont start, you know it's not like that, Bobby will be on his own and it just makes sense, I even asked Ali to join us I just hate to think of anyone on there own during the holidays."

"Hmmm yeah if you say so, wonder what old Bobby is going to do when I'm out of here. What family will he attach himself to then?"

"Dont be so pathetic, Bobby is your friend and is only looking out for us like you told him too when you decided to get banged up for 10 years."

He slams his hand down on the table, making us all jump and people turn to face our table.

"How do you think I feel knowing that tomorrow I'm on my own on christmas day eating the slop they serve here, while Bobby is with my family and friends all happy and loving life, eating the best food watching my kids open their presents?" 

"Well you should have thought of that before you screwed all our lives up." I say as the tears start to flow. "Merry fucking christmas" I whimper as i wipe away the tears, Dutch goes to take my hand and i pull it away.

"Guys don't fight, come on its christmas. Tensions are high I get that, but you know this isnt moms fault and you being jealous of Bobby is just a joke, mom has never given you cause to mistrust her. She is here every week and is nothing but loyal to you." I smile at Leo as he jumps to my defence.

"Your right I'm sorry Vanessa, I just hate being on my own here. I just need to be with you guys now."

"I get that, but you shouldn't take it out on us we are here for you and it's only a year now and then we will all be together." He squeezes my hand and then the rest of the visit goes by pleasantly without any more drama, except when we leave there is some tears from Ava and the twins, it's always hard to leave him but the holidays always heighten the pain and longing for us.

This Year needs to hurry up now, next Christmas will be the best one ever I'm sure of it.

* * *

Its Christmas morning and I'm watching the chaos unfold as the kids rip into their presents. Dutchs parents spent the night as they usually do so that they can be here to see the kids open everything and also give me moral support.

The kids have been spoilt once again, and then we all speak to Dutch on the phone as he always rings first thing to wish us all a merry Christmas.

I leave Leo to entertain the kids, and clean up the Den while me and Eve start to prepare dinner for everyone, dinner for 11 people is no easy feat.

When the rest arrive, Emily starts helping out in the kitchen while the guys play with the toys that the kids have had.

Bobby comes into the kitchen and gives me a hug.

"Vanessa can I talk to you?" 

"Yeah no problem." I follow him into the dining room which is empty at the moment.

"I wanted to give you, your present without everyone around." 

"Oh, ok, wait a second let me grab yours." I run into the other room and grab the present the kids had made him. 

"Merry Christmas Bobby, this is off me and the kids." We swap the presents, and he open the picture frame that says Best Uncle and its pictures of Bobby with the kids throughout the years.

"Thanks Nessa, its brilliant." But I'm dumbfounded as I've just opened the present that Bobby has given me, it's a beautiful silver cross, embedded with a single diamond in the middle.

"Bobby this is beautiful, but I cant accept this." I'm in shock.

"What, why? It's just a gift."

"Bobby, you know I cant wear this." I say holding onto the necklace around my neck that I've worn since I was 17, Dutchs St Christopher.

"You dont have to say it's off me, I just really want you to have it."

I start to cry, touched by the gift, but upset by the meaning behind it.

"Sorry, I didnt mean to upset you, its just I saw it and thought of you, and really wanted you to have it."

"See that's the problem Bobby, you shouldnt be thinking of me when you buy things, and if Dutch saw me wearing this he would lose it big time."

"I didnt think, look Vanessa you know that." he gets cut off as Emily walks in.

"Ness how many potatoes should I cut up?" She scans the room to see me wiping away tears, and Bobby looking awkward as hell taking back the jewelry box and putting it back in his jacket pocket.

"Shit i just walked in on something didnt i?" 

"Its fine, I'll come and help now." I say walking out of the room back into the kitchen I need to get out of this situation.

The rest of the day, I just avoid Bobby and Emily too I dont want her prying into what went on between me and Bobby.

I'm so confused about everything right now but most of all especially how i feel about that beautiful cross that Bobby brought me. 


	20. New Year party time

Barbara and her family are hosting the New Years Eve party this year and me and the kids are going as is everyone else. I haven't spoke to Bobby since the Christmas day drama and he never turned up for dinner in the week which he always does do, so I know we are both avoiding now.

I go over to Reseda to pick up Emily, Mike and Bodhi and bring them back to mine as we can walk to Barbara's from mine and it will save them the taxi fare.

"So are you wearing the necklace Bobby gave you tonight?" Mike says laughing.

"Fucking hell Emily how could you tell him? if Dutch finds out..." 

"I wouldnt say shit to Dutch, do you think I'm crazy. He would rip Bobby a part." Mike says cutting me off.

"What are you going to do about it Ness, Bobby clearly is in love with you, what's going to happen when Dutch comes out. I mean I've got to ask, is something going on? Do you love him?"

"No, no, no! I'm so messed up. I would never ever leave Dutch and have no intention of doing so and I've never cheated with Bobby and I'm getting pissed off with people accusing me of that, but I cant lie I know there is something there, I do feel something but I dont know whether it's just because Bobby has been there for me during this whole time and we have been so close and each others comfort and shoulder to cry on."

"Fucking hell cuz, if I was you I would stay well away from Bobby until Dutch comes out otherwise you two are going to end in a world of trouble." Mike says shaking his head.

"Yeah honey I knew there was something between the two of you, but didnt know if you and Bobby realised how much you felt for each other. This is bad, you do need to stay away from each other, you dont need the temptation. Just think Dutch will be home soon and it will all be ok, I bet as soon as he is home all your feelings for Bobby will disappear I'm sure of it."

I hoped she was right as I hated feeling like this totally torn in two different directions by two completely different men.

* * *

We drop my car off, grab the kids who are moaning about leaving the house and all walk over to Barbara's for the party.

We are at the party for about an hour when Bobby walks in with a woman and introduces her as one of his parishioners called Angela and for some reason I feel I've been stabbed in the heart and hate myself for feeling this way and judging the woman that I've never met before.

I go to the kitchen and start drinking I feel that I really need one right now. 

"Hey are you ok? That's a bit of a shock isnt it?" Emily says pointing at Bobby and his date.

"No I'm pleased for him, he deserves to be happy."

"Hmm ok sweetie that would sound more convincing if you didn't say that through gritted teeth." She says shaking her head sadly at me.

"I have no right to feel this way, I'm a married woman."

"I know honey but I guess you've always had this bond, but it's for the best if he does move on as then there wont be this weird thing between the two of you."

I down my glass of gin and try not to look over at Bobby. "Come on Emily let's grab a drink and find Mike as it's nearly midnight and I want to see the New Year in with my kids and you guys." I take her hand and go to find the others.

We count down from 10 and I kiss the kids as we all shout happy new year and i hug my cousin and Emily. Bobby walks over to us and hugs the kids and wishes them a happy new year but as he goes to embrace me I coldly turn my back on him to talk to Mike and I feel like a pathetic bitch for doing so.

* * *

The party goes by and it's all ok and uneventful I just stay with my kids and Emily and avoid Bobby like the plague.

When the kids get tired I leave with them, saying goodbye to everyone but Bobby and his date i seriously dont know what's got into me I've turned into a nasty nasty bitch and I hate myself for it.

Leo helps me put the kids to bed then I go to get myself changed into my purple striped cotton pyjama shirt and shorts and then head back downstairs to grab a bottle of wine from the fridge as my head is spinning to much to go to bed yet.

I put on some rock power ballads in the den while I down my wine and sing along to stop myself from totally falling apart I'm then disturbed by a knock on my front door. I look through the peephole to see Bobby standing there looking pissed off.

I open the door and he just barges past me into the house rubbing his head in an angry way.

"Yeah Bobby just come in." I say shutting the door and following him into the den.

"Seriously Ness, what the hell was that tonight, why was you a total bitch to me, to my date, you were rude and that's not you I told her she would meet my lovely best friend and you embarrassed me."

"Im sorry and I dont know ok. I dont know what got into me. You walked in with a date and it just threw me."

"What why would it throw you, I dont get you."

"I said I I dont know ok, I was touched and messed up by your gift at Christmas and then I saw you with that woman and it hurt me and I dont know why." I say covering my face.

"Why would it hurt you? I'm confused? You are married to one of my best friends and we are just friends so why would me dating hurt you." I sense theres sarcasm in his voice.

"Dont put this all on me and make out this is all in my head, you've tried to kiss me before, you buy me gifts your always here and your fucking with my head."

"What? Do you want to talk about messing with peoples heads, you have led me on for years, good old reliable Bobby always here when you need him to act like mr substitute husband, but I'm not your husband your husband is the one you visit for sex in jail and as soon as I decide that pining after you has to stop as after 10 years I realise I'll never be and can never be nothing more than a friend to you, you get angry and jealous...what for because a woman other than yourself has my undivided attention."

I start to cry as everything he is saying is true and I cant deny it.

"I'm sorry you feel this way Bobby, and I'm sorry if you feel I've led you on. The truth is I do care about you and I do have feelings for you but I know I can never act on them but I just love having you around I need you around and I know that's totally unfair and unreasonable."

"It is unfair and unreasonable I've been your lap dog for years always waiting for you to give me a sign that we could be together but I know your Dutchs girl and have always been and always will be. He will be home soon and I knew i would be thrown away and forgotten as soon as as your real husband is back home. So i wanted to move on and start dating and shouldnt be punished for that."

"I'm sorry i didnt mean to be cruel to you and your date just seeing you all close together it stung and I have no right to feel that way."

"I get it, how did you think I felt knowing you were going up for conjugal visits. I could cope before as I knew you couldn't even touch or kiss each other then I had to hear all about your dirty visits from Emily and it devastated me and I feel I have no right to feel that way as he actually is your husband."

"Shit Bobby, what are we doing? Why are you here? You should be at home with your date."

"I know I should be, but I couldnt stand the fact that you were mad at me and there is nothing going on is there, there cant be. We cant be together can we?"

"No Bobby we cant, even if me and Dutch split up we still couldnt be together but I cant let you go and I know that's shitty of me, I'm sorry."

He pulls me into a hug "it's ok I know we can never be and that's why it hurts me so much. I think of all the fun we could have had over the years if you were my wife and these were my kids, but they are not that's why I have to leave and move on otherwise I'm going to be pining for you fore and it will kill me, literally kill me when Dutch comes out and I see you all playing happy families."

"I get it and I wish you all the joy and happiness in the world you deserve it. I'll even make the effort with Angela I promise if she makes you happy then I can support it."

He kisses the top of my head and then he pulls away.

"Ok that's settled then, we both move forward and we both get the happy ending we deserve right.?"

"Right" I say as my voice cracks and I just fall to the ground and sob as I see him walk out of the door and out of my life.


	21. One last visit!

November 2019

It's been a tough year without Bobby around to guide and support me through it. Him and Angela are now serious and that's how I've explained his absence to the kids. They have really missed him too and they only see him if they go to his church.

We haven't spoken since New Year apart from in passing and then its just been all nice and polite and nothing too deep. 

I cant think too much into it right now as Dutch is getting released in a months time so we will have him home for our anniversary and more importantly Christmas.

Me and the kids are heading up to our last overnight visit at Lompoc, and quite honestly I'll be so glad to never ever make this trip ever again and stay in those uncomfortable beds with the scratchy bed sheets.

The trip over is nice and chilled, the twins are playing on their iPads in the back and Ava is chatting to me about a boy she likes at school and I giggle to myself about how grown up she seems all of a sudden. Dutch would freak if he could hear her talking now, I forget she isnt our baby girl anymore 13 going on 30 with her little attitude, even though it still stuns me how much she looks like her Daddy with her big brown eyes and wavy brown hair.

* * *

We arrive at the prison, go through the usual checks and then head into the cabin to wait for him to be brought over, seriously cant wait to never do this again.

When he arrives he looks so happy to see us all, as usual I wait for the kids to say hi and greet him before I can get in there and have my cuddle.

"Hey handsome, I'm so happy to see you and so happy that this will be the last time we have to visit you in this hellhole." I say as I'm holding him tight.

"I know I cant wait, not long left and I can be home with my beautiful family and we can finally live the life we were all meant too." I seriously dont want to let him go but I realise the kids are watching and actually want to do stuff with their dad.

We spend the rest of the day, playing board games making food and cookies Yeah the cheat slice and bake cookies but still nice to do normal things as a family. After dinner we put on a movie and all snuggle up on the sofa, until the kids get tired and go off into their respecitive rooms.

We both know that we cant go to bed and do the fun things that we want to do while the kids are still awake so we decide to watch a horror film that is just starting on one of the channels until we feel that enough time has passed and then we can go to bed I mean I dont need to traumatise our kids any more than they already are.

"Babe" Dutch gently shakes me awake "you ready to go to bed?"

"Sorry, I didnt mean to fall asleep." I let him lift me up from the sofa, and I head into the bathroom to freshen and awaken myself so I can actually make something out of the time we have left together.

I walk into the bedroom and see him lying there on the bed in just his boxers, his arms folded behind his head. He really is sexy, and seems to get better with age and clearly has been working out ALOT during his time here.

"Hey there sexy" I say as I close the bedroom door behind me. "You are about to have the most amazing, quietest sex you have ever had." I say making him laugh as I crawl up the bed, and position myself over him kissing him and then working those kisses down his body.

"Let's get under the covers just in case?" He says clearly paranoid which is cute.

I remove my clothes and underwear in record time and then get under the covers with him, just wanting to touch and feel him all over, needing to feel him close to me.

I then head south under the covers, taking him in my mouth, and working him with my hands, mouth and tongue but he gets really hot under the covers quickly.

So I head back up to kiss him and position myself over him and sit down slowly, I forget myself and start to moan out loud which results in us laughing and shushing each other.

He flips me onto my back and re enters me slowly, we move together until we both climax and he collapses in a sweaty heap on top on me.

He rolls off allowing me to clean us up and then he pulls me into him, just lying there hugging, while he is stroking my back making me tingle.

"I cant wait, till we can do this in our own bed. I need you home now it's been far too long."

"I know babe and I promise I will make up for all this shit, you have been so loyal and patient with me I can never repay you for all you have done."

I feel a pang of guilt at this, I mean loyal...really? I've kissed a guy and maybe allowed myself to fall for his best friend but I could never ever tell him this obviously.

"You can repay me, by coming home, behaving, helping me raise those crazy kids, taking me for an amazing anniversary meal, and giving us all the best Christmas EVER!"

"Yeah I can do that, I'm not gonna lie it is gonna be weird for a while having to get used to life on the outside and being a fulltime dad and husband again but I know I'll manage it with you by my side." He says kissing my head softly.

He continues " I've been writing to Johnny recently and he said him and the guys are planning a party for me for when I come home, which should be great just ashame that Tommy cant be there to celebrate with us."

"Yeah Johnny, said he wanted to do a party me and Emily said we would help out with that, everyone is so excited to get you back."

"Yeah we have alot to celebrate me coming out, our anniversary and then Bobby's wedding in the New Year." 

I tense at this, I must not have heard him correctly. "Bobby's wedding? I didnt know he was getting married?"

"What? How can you not know? You and Bobby are like besties" he says in a slightly mocking tone. "I thought you would be the first to know."

"No since he started dating Angela we havent seen as much of him like we used to" I really want to change the conversation now.

"Oh that's a shame isnt it? You two were like an old married couple until she came on the scene" He smirks I sense he knows more and wants to say more but delving any further would only result in an argument and he doesn't want that, well not tonight anyway.

"Yeah if you say so, anyway I'm tired, night babe" I say kissing his chest and turning over on to my side I realise im being childish but I really didn't know that he was getting married and it stings and I know it shouldnt but I cant help but get this really gross feeling in my tummy about it all.


	22. Coming home party!

December 2019

"So are you excited? after all this time and all the shit that you have put up with you will finally have Dutch back." Emily says as she helps me put up a welcome home banner in the hallway.

"I know it's crazy, this whole thing just feels weird though, it reminds me of when he was coming home from Juvie and I was pregnant." I sat shaking my head "God we were so young, Its madness it feels like yesterday but so much time has passed and so much has happened to us its mental isnt it?"

"Yeah it's strange you two have been through so much I hope you can now finally live the quiet peaceful life that you deserve." She says as she puts her arm around me.

"Um Ness can I ask you something, is Bobby coming to this little shindig? Because it would be weird if he wasnt here." Mike pipes up.

"I havent invited him, we havent spoke to each other for ages but I assume Johnny has told him as he has been inviting alot of his friends for me as he knows I'll invite family etc."

I see Mike and Emily share a look between them "What? What's that look for you two?" I say challenging them.

"Well we were just wondering what happened between you and Bobby? Since Angela came on the scene you two arent as close and I mean last Christmas he brought you that necklace and everything." Emily questions me.

"Shhh keep your voice down, the kids are upstairs getting ready." I'm not ready to share this information with anyone, I never told anyone about Bobby coming back to mine on New year and the argument that we had and the real reason we dont talk anymore. "And I've told you guys nothing happened, I gave him back the necklace, and I'm guessing he took that as a sign to move on and ever since he got serious with Angela he just doesn't have time for me and the kids anymore."

"Hmm yeah I'm sure that's it." Mike says laughing "the guy pines for you for 10 years and then just wakes up one day and decides to move on."

"Oh fuck off Mike" the uncomfortable conversation comes to an end when the front door opens and Dutchs parents come in.

"Right I'm so glad you guys are here, I'm going to get my man" I say in a silly voice.

I leave the guys to watch the kids and finish off getting the house party ready as I head off to pick Dutch up from Lompoc.

* * *

I pull up outside the prison and wait for him to be let out, my heart is slamming in my chest, I feel sick with nerves and excitement.

I scream with happiness as I see him come out of the gate, I run over to him and jump in his arms kissing him all over his face.

"How does it feel to be a free man?" I say smiling at him.

"It feels amazing, I cant wait to get home and see everyone." He says while twirling me. "I love you so much Babe, now let's get as far away from this place as possible."

We get in the car, and start the drive home. "Dutch can I ask you something? You are going to go straight now arent you? No dramas, no silliness, you see I have this dream that when the kids are older that we are going to live by the ocean and grow old together there waking up on the beach everyday, being visited by the grandkids and for that to happen I need you to not get in anymore trouble."

"That sounds amazing, and I would love that too, I promise I will be on my best behaviour well for the most part." He turns and gives me that dirty lopsided smile he gives me.

"What, what's on your mind Babe?." I say laughing nervously.

"Find a place to pull over before we get home I need to fuck you as a free man before we have to go home, i need you."

I laugh out loud "you are filthy but give me a second and I'll figure out where to go."

We carry on the drive until I find a wooded picnic area where I can pull the car under a tree where no one else seems to be around.

"Quick come here I've got an idea I need you right now." He signals for me to get in the back seat as he gets out of the car he comes round to the back and tells me to get on all fours in the back seat as he pulls his Jean's down slightly as I remove my leggings, he pulls my panties aside and licks up my core before roughly entering me from behind.

He is being so rough and I know this is going to hurt and be sore afterwards but I really dont care right now. I just love the feel of him entering me from behind, he feels so deep and sensitive.

He is pounding away, as he pulls at me to lift up so he can kiss melt neck and face "fuck me Baby you feel so good, I love you so much"

"I love you two Dutch, I dont want this to ever stop."

He pounds away at me for a bit longer, he reaches around and plays with my clit under I cum and then I feel him cum inside me.

"Shit we better get cleaned up and head back people are going to be wondering where we are?" I say laughing.

I have to reapply my makeup in the mirror and I laugh as a man comes walking out of the woods with his dog.

"Fucking hell Babe, that would have been awkward if he had been walking out of there 10 minutes earlier." Dutch laughs as we quickly get out of there and head back to ours where everyone is waiting to party with him.

* * *

As we pull on to the drive, I can see he looks nervous.

"Hey are you ok? Are you ready to head in or do you want to take a minute?"

"I'm fine it just has all hit me, the last time I was in this house was 10 years ago and it's just all feels well crazy. I just feel weird about seeing people."

"You feel weird, my vagina is sore and my panties are soaked and I've got to walk in and face your mom and dad." I say trying to make light of the situation.

"Babe I'm sorry I was rough, I just needed you. Come on let's head in and see everyone."

We walk through the door and everyone rushes to greet him, the guys are all there with their families as are Bobby and Angela who I try to ignore as I say hi to everyone and thank them for coming.

I go into the kitchen and start sorting out the food, ready to dish up for the guests.

"Hey Ness" I hear Bobby say as he comes into the kitchen, he takes a plate from me and follows me into the dining room area where I'm laying out all the food on the table.

"Hey Bobby, thanks for helping." I realise I'm being curt.

"I bet your so glad Dutch is finally home, all that waiting around like a good little wife finally paid off."

"Hmmm yeah it did, talking of good little wives your about to get your own one soon, soooo that's exciting finally settling down with a woman that's actually available." 

"Yeah a real woman who doesn't play mind games and likes to tease me,..someone who knows exactly what they want and isnt afraid to go for it."

"You know what Bobby??" I say in a raised angry voice but I'm interuppted as Dutch walks in the room.

"Hey guys....what's going on in here?" He looks between us seeing that he has clearly walked in on something.

"Nothing Bobby was just being an ass about the food I was dishing up. I'm going to tell everyone the food is ready." I say leaving the room, kissing Dutch on the cheek as I walk out. 

I've got to keep my emotions in check as I'm going to give myself away to everyone so I make a mental note to stay away from Bobby as much as feasibly possible for the rest of the party.


	23. Time for the truth?

The rest of the party goes well and is pretty uneventful, everyone is getting drunk and rowdy playing loud music, the kids are loving having their dad back and Leo is loving the fact that the guys are allowing him to have a drink with them and he feels like one of the guys.

I do notice that Dutch keeps his eye on me and Bobby and is always watching when the two of us are in the same room.

I'm in the kitchen with Emily grabbing more drinks for us all as the guys are outside having a cigarette. The party is winding down now and it's only the couples and a few others left over.

Angela walks into the kitchen and goes to pour herself a drink. "Vanessa, can I talk to you please?" This is literally the most she has ever spoke to me like ever.

""Yeah of course you can." I say plastering a smile on my face, Emily reads the room and makes her excuses and heads outside to find Mike.

"You dont like me very much do you? which is a shame as I think we would get on if you just gave me the chance." I go to talk but she stops me "I know you care about Bobby and he thinks so highly of you and you and him were such good friends. I dont know what happened between you two and I wont pry but it would mean the world to me if you could put your differences aside and come to the wedding."

"Angela, you are right I dont know you at all and I havent given you the chance and that is totally on me. The reason me and Bobby fell out is just silliness now and in no way your fault and I'm sorry if I have made you feel uncomfortable in any way, that was never my intention." 

"Its ok, I would just really like us to be friends, Bobby said we could be great friends and I would love that and for you to be a part of our wedding."

"I would like that too." Knowing full well that it would be damn right impossible right now, things just arent good between me and Bobby and I wonder if Angela has an ulterior motive does she suspect something that's why she wants to keep me close....or am I just being totally paranoid.

I look outside and see Bobby and Dutch watching our exchange, ok maybe I'm not paranoid after all.

I ask her to help me with the drinks and head outside, its only, Johnny, Carmen, Mike, Emily and Bobby and Angela left now as well as our crazy kids and Miguel who just had to come to the party to meet Dutch after hearing all the stories about him from Johnny.

I go and sit on Dutchs lap like old times to snuggle in close to him against the cool night air. The guys are telling stories about Tommy and we all make a toast in his memory.

When we can see it's late and everyone is past drunk and looking sleepy, Dutchs sees everyone out so that we can be left in peace for the night, I start to tidy up the bottles and plates from the garden.

As I'm cleaning up I hear the door open as I see Bobby coming back outside, shouting inside to the others that he was just looking for his coat, but clearly just making an excuse to come back out here.

"What do you want Bobby? Your coat isnt out here and you know it?" I snap quietly as he comes up behind me.

"I just wanted to apologise to you, I'm sorry that I've been an ass and rude to you. I should have told you about my engagement and wedding. I just want it to be like how it was before between us, I miss you...as a friend that is."

"I miss you to, so do the kids, but how can we just go back to being friends and forget everything."

"Well it's easy as there is no feelings involved now, I'm in love with Angela and finally getting the happy ending to my life that I want and deserve, and you have Dutch back so you get to live the life you want with the man you wanted all along. Whatever we thought we felt must have just been because we were both lonely and that's not the case anymore is it?" He says pressing me.

I turn to face him him head on, "No it's not I clearly was just missing my husband, i feel nothing for you." Yes i know I'm being a bitch and childish but his words were upsetting to me and he knows it and i can feel my eyes filling up, stupid feelings I'm so angry at my body for betraying me, I'm trying to act tough and here I am about to cry in front of him.

"Exactly and I now look at you and feel nothing, Angela is everything I ever wanted and will make me truly happy. So that's it then I feel nothing, you feel nothing so we can just pretend that blip never happened and we can be friends again." I scoff and then he pulls me in for literally the most awkward and quick hug we have ever shared.

Fucking blip, fucking blip! That's what he calls being in love with me for nearly 10 years I want to punch his stupid face in. I have to hide my anger when Dutch and Angela walk back outside, as well as turning my face away so no one will see my tear filled eyes.

"Bobby, your jacket was on a chair in the kitchen I've got it here." Angela pipes up all cheery, but Dutch is still staring at us full of questions he isnt dumb he can sense something is going on.

"I'm glad you two have made up" she continues "you two meant too much to each other to have a falling out." I cringe as I've never told Dutch that we have fallen out, great well done Angela now he will have all the questions later.

"Yeah we are good arent we Ness?"

"Yeah perfect Bobby." I say coldly.

"Great to have you back Dutch, you were sorely missed and Vanessa and the kids are clearly pleased to have you back, just dont screw up this time man." He says hugging him as he walks back inside.

* * *

After he sees them two out, I go and grab a bottle of wine and two glasses and sit outside again, this time with a blanket around my shoulders to protect myself from the night chill and try to pull myself together before he comes out no doubt full of questions.

Dutch comes back out and grabs a glass and pours himself a large wine in silence and then finally turns to me.

"Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Like what?" Oh my god I'm physically sweating right now.

"Well what's going on with you and Bobby, that's twice I've seen you two arguing and whispering in corners, Angela says you fell out but she doesn't know about what, and she said you were a bitch to her when you first met and that's not like you."

"She said that" I scoff "I may have been a bit off but I was just drunk that night."

Shall I tell the truth seriously what good would it do really...it would only put a wedge between Dutch and Bobby and cause trouble for us when I've only just got him back and seriously what happened anyway we nearly kissed no biggie, but I'm guessing it's the feelings involved that I cant discuss, Bobby was in love with me and I certainly was feeling something for him and Dutch would never forgive or understand that.

"we did fall out, but it was something silly really, without you here I relied on Bobby alot he stepped up and helped me with the kids and was always around but then as soon as SHE came on the scene he stopped coming over and let the kids down and I didnt like that."

"Careful there Babe you sound mighty jealous." He says taking a sip of his wine but not breaking eye contact with me.

"Jealous no, not at all, Bobby said that I used him as a substitute husband and I'm guessing I did lean on him too much so we had a few words, but it wasnt about jealously I just missed the help and company it's been hard and lonely without you here."

"I have no doubt it's been hard and for that I'm sorry, but as long as that's all it was. Call me crazy but you two were arguing like a couple and you were acting jealous of their relationship...." he turns to look me directly in my eye "Can you tell me now, hand on heart that nothing happened between you two."

"Dutch no, how can you think that. Neither of us would do that to you, nothing happened I swear as I said I think I was just pissed at him as he no longer jumped to help me and the kids like he always used to do. I think I did use him, he was right but that's all it is I swear." I can see he doesn't look totally convinced as he sits back in his chair, I lean into him, tucking myself under his big thick arm.

We sit in silence for far too long, "Babe come on it's our first night back together, let's not talk about silliness please."

"Hmmm yeah, sorry I'm just paranoid, I've been away along time and it's just hard to believe you could be faithful all that time"

"What??? I was faithful I stayed here and waited for you like a dutiful wife, i love you obviously otherwise i wouldnt still be here. I'm yours and have always been since we were kids and you know it."

"Yeah I'm sorry as i said I'm just paranoid, I was also just thinking didnt tonight feel like old times was so nice to have everyone back together well apart from Tommy. Talking of when we were kids do you remember the night I asked you to be my girl?"

"What at the party at Bobby's house? Yeah that was a great night. One of the best of my life actually. I remember how nervous I was coming over, not sure how you were going to be towards me as we had only been on a couple of dates."

"Do you remember how I asked you to be mine?"

"Yeah I do" I laugh and then see that naughty twinkle in his eye. "No Dutch dont even think about it, it's cold." Clicking on to what he is about to do.

He then moves quickly sweeps me into his big arms and jumps us both fully clothed in to the pool.

"You bastard" I say jokingly as I come back up for air putting my arms around him and kissing him on his lips.

"That night when I asked you to be my girl, I knew right then I was falling for you, but i could never have imagined the journey that we would go on from then, we have been through and done so much."

"We have been on a rollercoaster havent we, good and bad times but always us together and I'm still as in love with you as I was at 17."

"I love you too Babe, literally more each day, theres never been anyone else, only you and you have always been the girl of my dreams." He then kisses me sweetly.

"Babe can I ask you something I was thinking as this is our fresh start, how about on our anniversary we renew our vows nothing fancy just you me, the kids and my parents just go to the beach." He continues.

"Oh Dutch I would love that, but that's only 2 weeks away can we do that."

"Of course we can, we can do anything. I just think it would be a perfect thing to do to renew and strengthen our vows before we enter this next chapter of our life."

"It will be perfect god I love you so much" I start to kiss him, more passionately this time. "Come on stud let's get dry and take this upstairs." I say giggling and then get out of the pool as he chases me through the house slipping and sliding everywhere laughing like we havent got a care in the world and at the moment we really havent.


	24. Bad Decisions.

Dutch has been home for a week now and we have sort of settled into a nice routine, even though we have had a few arguments about what he is going to do now he is home as I was getting pissed with him just lying around the house drinking all day.

I thought it would great to have him back and all my problems would now be solved, but I'm still stressing over my last conversation with Bobby and I think that's why I'm heading over to Bobby's after my night shift. Yeah not my greatest idea and I dont really know what I'm doing or what I'm going to say when I get there but I need to talk to him, I've been stressing over it all night.

I pull up outside his house, check myself in the mirror yep I look like a walker from the walking dead. Shit it's so early, he is probably still in bed with Angela what the hell am I doing? I go to change my mind and pull out of there fast when Bobby comes outside to grab his morning paper and stalls when he sees me in the driveway. Yeah no way of getting out of this now I have to get out of the car.

"Vanessa, what are you doing here?" Oh shit he is just in grey joggers and clearly has just got up, Ness dont stare.

"Sorry I dont know what I'm doing here, i was driving home from work and i just needed to talk to you" I stand there just looking awkward as hell.

"Yeah ok, do you want to come in? you look like you could use a coffee and I've just put a fresh pot on."

"Um yeah will it be ok with Angela?" 

"Shes not here, she is visiting her parents before the holidays and to sort out some wedding things."

I follow him in the house, even though every fibre in my being is screaming bad idea, dont go in!

He makes the coffee and I really wish he would put a shirt on it's really distracting, and I notice we still havent said anything to each other since I walked in the house.

He puts the coffee down in front of me and then sits at the table facing me. "So Ness, what's this morning visit about, surely there's not trouble in paradise already?"

"No it's not about him, well not entirely about him and our issues. Its about us, I wasnt happy with how we left things and still how cold you were to me, it's been eating me up inside and I know it shouldnt but I want to know where we are right now."

"Where we are? Ness we are nowhere we agreed on that. I'm getting married and you have Dutch back I dont know what you want from me?" He takes a sip of his coffee and takes a deep breath. "Look I'm sorry if I've been cold to you but I dont know how else to be. What do you want me to say, that it hurts to see you and Dutch together, that it upsets me to be around you knowing I'm not with you. I have to put up barriers so I can move on with Angela and get married to her I cant be thinking of you."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but it hurts me too and I hate to admit that it hurts me to see you happy with Angela, and it's totally not her fault she seems lovely and she clearly makes you happy and she is literally perfect for you but doesn't mean it hurts any less and I'll admit that I do wonder how we would be as a couple and I hate myself for admitting that and feeling that way."

"I'm glad you said that, as I feel that way too but how do you think I feel Dutch is my best friend and I have to watch him screw up all the time and he still has your full love and commitment."

"Yeah love and commitment that's why I'm sitting in your kitchen at 7am after a night shift instead of going home to my husband and kids." I say hanging my head in shame.

"Ness, you arent a bad person we are just in a crazy situation, I'm in love you and have been for years as you clearly know, but I'm in love with Angela too and I want to marry her and have a life with her so I do need to leave my feelings for you behind so i can do that. So im sorry that I was cold to you but i couldnt deal with it any other way."

"I'm sorry too, I didnt think it was possible to be I love with two people, two very different people and it's just screws me up every day and I'm a terrible person for feeling this way. Look I better go" I say grabbing my things and go to put my empty cup in his sink I stand there and try to tell myself not to cry.

I didnt even know that he had got up and was standing right behind me, until he put his arms around my waist and turned me around so I was facing him. I lean into his broad shoulders as I sob softly after holding him for awhile I look up into his blue eyes and against my better judgement I kiss him. Its just how I imagined it would be he is soft and tender as he kisses me back. I put my arms around his neck and we push against each other as it intensifies something just snaps in me.

"Bobby I cant, we cant! This is just wrong, as messed up as my home life is I love Dutch" I say pulling away but still laying my head against his shoulder.

"I know I'm sorry I just wanted to do that for years, what the hell we going to do now?"

"We cant do anything, they can never know about this, I have to go home to my family and you have to get married to Angela and have your happy ever after."

He groans "yeah I get that, look I'm sorry if things arent great at home, and I cant believe I'm saying this but you have to give Dutch the chance to prove he can change and give you the life you want. We can never be together, and we both know that so we have to make it work on the paths that we have chosen."

"Yeah it's just shit though isnt it?, I thought having him back would solve all my issues instead he is lazing around drinking and not helping me and I'm exhausted, mentally and physically exhausted and all I keep thinking is Bobby wouldnt do that, Bobby would help me with this etc etc." 

"Look ill talk to him, get him to buck his ideas up, as he seriously wouldnt want to lose you believe me."

"Thank you Bobby, and I seriously do wish you and Angela all the best."

"We are so messed up arent we?." He laughs 

I laugh too "Yeah we are, look I really better head back home and try and fix things before I screw it up even more."

"I'm glad you came over, and that we got to talk I promise I wont be cold to you anymore and I'll make more of an effort with you and the kids like I used to."

"Thank you, I appreciate that alot." I then get in the car and try and process things on the drive home.

* * *

When I arrive home I'm met by a sight and smell I would never have expected. The house smells of pancakes and bacon, and Dutch is in the kitchen with Ava making breakfast and the house is somewhat tidy, not my tidy but tidier than when I left in a huff last night after another argument with Dutch.

"Morning guys, what's this?." I say somewhat surprised.

"Morning Beautiful, is everything ok? Your late today?" He greets me with a kiss and I feel so sick with guilt.

"Yeah I just got held up as we had an emergency, this breakfast looks amazing."

"Yeah me and Daddy thought you deserved it after working so hard and we cleaned the house last night." Ava says looking all proud of her self.

"I can tell, this is amazing thank you guys." I sit down as the twins and Leo come to join us.

Dutch puts a plate in front of me and kisses me on the cheek "I wanted to do something nice for you, and I promise I'll help you out more and i even have a job interview later today."

"That's great babe, I'm pleased." I say as we tuck into our breakfast feast, I am consumed with guilt but it does make me think now even though the kiss was great it wasnt the heat and passion I feel for Dutch I know where my heart lies and its here with Dutch and our family and I will do everything to make this work now and just pray to god that he never finds out about 'the blip'.


	25. Anniversary and Happy Times.

"Happy Anniversary Babe." He says walking into the room carrying a tray of food.

"Ahh morning handsome and Happy Anniversary to you too." I say kissing him as he places the tray in front of me.

He has made me an omelette and freshly squeezed orange juice and there is a huge card on the tray. I tell him to wait as I go and grab the bag of gifts that I have brought for him.

I get back on the bed and give him the bag to open, I have brought him a watch, a shirt and a new pair of trainers.

"Babe these are amazing, thank you, now my turn. I looked up what the symbol for 14th anniversary was and it was ivory and clearly that is a no go, so I got you these instead."

It was a silver pandora bracket with a little elephant on it, which is just beautiful. He has also brought me a huge framed photo with pictures of our life together including pictures from high school, our first wedding and our renewal and pictures with the kids it's a beautiful and thoughtful gesture.

"This is amazing I love you so much, so much that I'm going to eat my breakfast then im going to give you a Happy Anniversary blow job" I kiss him, finish my breakfast in record time and then make good on my promise before the kids get up.

* * *

We then have to get ready for our wedding vow renewal which we have planned for later this afternoon we are going to meet his parents at their beach house in Malibu and do the ceremony there. This time Bobby wont be doing the ceremony as that is just totally inappropriate we have hired someone off the internet to meet us there surely nothing could go wrong with that.

Dutch and the boys go ahead to his parents which just leaves me and Ava to get ready here. I put on a short white lace dress and matching headband and Ava has an identical outfit to me.

"Ahhh Ava you look beautiful." i say as she does a twirl for me once ive finished her hair she really is growing into a beautiful young lady.

"Thanks Mom I would say that's because I get my looks from you, but we can clearly see that even though I have a hot mom god has blessed me with the looks of my father." 

This makes me giggle "Ah that's not such a bad thing your dad is a hottie, but yeah you and the twins are definitely all your dad." I pause and look at her "Ava can i ask you something? are you happy now that your Dad is home?"

"Yeah I am, it was a bit weird at first as it's just been us guys for so long, and when you guys started arguing I was worried it wasnt going to end well, but you do seem happier now, are you happier mom?"

"Yeah I was upset with him as he wasnt living up to his promises he made to me before he came out, but he is starting his new job at the garage soon and he is helping around the house more so it's all good. That's why we wanted to do this today to mark the start of our new life together."

"Well I am pleased I would hate it if you guys were to get a divorce or anything like that, when you told me all the stories of you and dad, about how you met and fell for each other it made me believe in love, I mean call me crazy but I even thought for awhile that you would get with uncle Bobby while Dad was away."

i nearly choke on my water that I'm sipping "What?? Divorce? Uncle Bobby? No No way, where do you get your crazy ideas from, your dad is literally my one true love and talking of my love let's go and meet him now. You are going to see us get married and I cant wait." I really need to end this conversation now, it worries me how observant kids can actually be.

* * *

We arrive at his parents beach house, his Mom is so excited this is right in her element she loves things like this especially if she can be the host.

Dutch is waiting outside talking to the minister. We renew our vows in a quick ceremony just with our family watching and it was the perfect way to celebrate our anniversary and mark the start of this new chapter that we are entering and I have to leave my past behind me now and try with all my heart to move forward.

I love Dutch he is my soulmate and all I have ever wanted since I was 17 and looking at him today while saying my vows reminded me of that.

On the evening we build a fire pit and sit around with our family, we bore the group with the stories of our love, how we met and how we made it back to each other.

After eating our BBQ food and toasting our marshmellows the kids and his parents start a game of soccer and me and Dutch are left alone by the fire.

"I love you so much Dutch and I want this for us." i turn to face him and kiss him softly.

"Want what Babe? I'll give you anything you want" he smiles that gorgeous lopsided smile that I love so much.

"I want to live out here, on the beach away from Encino and all the crap there, I want to wake up to the ocean everyday with you lying by my side.".

"I promise you we will, as soon as the kids have finished school I will buy you the best beach house ever and we will grow old looking at the ocean." 

I lean back into his arms and I feel so happy and safe and I know he will make good on his promise.

* * *

As its the weekend the kids decide to stay at his parents and enjoy the beach, which means we get to go back to our house on our own and spend the rest of our anniversary just the two of us.

When we get back to the house, i go and grab the champagne, whipped cream and strawberries from the fridge i am going to make the most of this night thats for sure. I walk up to the bedroom to find that he is already lying on the bed in just his boxers.

"Hello hot husband, have i got some treats in store for you." i say giving him a dirty smile, i put on some music and strip off my clothes putting on a show for him, just like I had done on our reunion weekend. once im just down to my underwear i crawl up the bed and feed him some strawberries, then i remove my bra and spray some cream on to my breasts for him to lick off me.

"Babe you are on fire tonight, seriously youve never looked or acted sexier."

"Its you, its all you Dutch, seriously you turn me on so much and I would do anything for you, now get them boxers off i want to lick whipped cream off your dick." he laughs but knows to do as he is told.

"How did I get so lucky." he says as im going down on him. We finish off as a hot sticky mess and then have to go into the shower to clean ourselves off and go for round two in there. We may be getting older but our insatiable need for each other certainly isnt waining.

Afterwards we are lying on the bed, he is starting to yawn and I wonder if now is the time to make a confession or not.

"Dutch, ive got to tell you something, I have to get this off my chest, its killing me and even though i know you will hate me once I tell you this I just have to." I hear him softly snoring and realise it's too late he is already asleep shit.....its just never going to be the right time is it? I kiss his chest and drift off into an awkward sleep maybe its just better this way.


	26. Bachelor party dramas

Jan 2020

It's the now the new year and Bobby is getting married in a weeks time. Since we kissed and had our talk things have actually been good between us, we are getting on better and we both seem to have moved past our feelings and embraced our own happy relationships.

Me and Emily have been invited on Angela's bacerlotte party at her friends house. I feel weird and guilty being here but not accepting her invite would have given off the wrong signals. We could see that it wasnt going to be a regular party as all these ladies were strict Christians so this wasnt going to be a booze fuelled, talking about sex and dicks kind of night.

She even calls it a bridal shower so we arent under any false pretence of what this is. Emily is furious and I can tell that she would rather be anywhere else than with these stuffy women.

"Ugh my bachelorette party was better than this." She scoffs into her teacup quietly,( yeah it's an afternoon english tea theme)

"Um which one, you've had three" I say mocking her, making us both giggle.

"The guys are going to have a fun one, they are arranging to take Bobby to a strip club tomorrow lucky bastards, cant we just join them guys?"

"No we cant, so shut up drink your tea and eat your finger sandwich." I say stuffing a cake into my mouth.

We have to sit through hours of party games all PG of course, while all making polite conversation. We are so out of our depth and I know we were only invited because Bobby told her to invite us.

" So how do you two know the bride and groom? I've never seen either of you at church." Some snooty old woman asks who I soon realise is Angela's mom.

"I go sometimes with my kids." I dont know why I'm defending myself to her but her attitude and judgemental eye has put me on the back foot. "but that's not how we know Bobby, we all went to school together and our husbands are friends, so we have known each other for years."

"Oh I see and which one of you was Bobby's high school sweetheart?" Another one asks, and they all seem intrigued by this and stop to listen to this conversation.

"That would be me." Emily says proudly.

"Oh isnt it weird to be here? And for you Angela?" Miss snooty pants clearly trying to stir shit.

"Why would it be?, I've dated many, many men since Bobby and been married 3 times so think I'm cool with seeing Bobby getting married." As she is met with shocked looks me and Angela burst out laughing typical Emily not giving a crap.

The rest of the day goes ok but im so pleased when Angela calls it a night so we can finally leave.

Me and Emily get back to mine where Mike has been chilling with Dutch while we were out, We go and join them in the den where they are drinking whiskey and clearly quite tipsy already.

"Hey girls, how was your Christian shindig." Mike says laughing.

"Exactly as exciting as you would imagine it would be." Emily says kissing her husband, "Where are the boys?"

"upstairs playing video games im guessing." Dutch says, "come here beautiful," he says motioning for me to sit on his lap.

"so are you guys really taking Bobby to a strip club tomorrow? you know Angela will never allow that." I say

"Yeah we are he needs it, and you girls dont mind if we go to the club then?" Dutch says

"Hell no, its a bachelor party so you get one free pass, and you both know you have us beautiful ladies waiting for you at home, plus if you even think of doing something dumb we will kill both of you." Emily says as she high fives me and we laugh hard as the guys look kind of scared by this.

* * *

The next night Dutch has left to go on Bobbys Bachelor party, and im spending the night in alone with Emily, we have decided to have a sleepover as the guys wont be back till late so having a pamper session, when there is a knock at my door, we both look at each other slightly confused by who that could be.

I'm even more confused when I see Angela standing there looking upset.

"Hey Angela, Bobby isnt here, they have already left."

"Yeah I know, I've actually come to speak to you, can I come in please?"

"Yeah of course you can." I say as i show her in, i see Emily looking really confused by our visitor.

"Hey Angela, have you come to join our pamper session." Stupid Emily clearly not seeing that Angela is about to burst into tears.

"No, no I haven't I've come to speak to Vanessa and ask her why she would think it was ok to kiss my fiancee." My heart slams hard in my chest.

"Wait, what? Vanessa you kissed Bobby? When?" Emily is flabbergasted.

"Oh so you didnt know either? So it wasnt just me in the dark. How could you do this Vanessa?" She starts to sob.

I take a deep breath before I start to speak and defend my really shitty actions. "Yes we kissed as I'm sure he told you? What did he tell you by the way?"

"Oh no, I want to hear your side of the story first." Clearly seeing if she is being lied to.

"Ok I went to speak to him after a night shift as we had words at Dutchs homecoming party and it didnt sit well with me, and it just sort of happened. We thought we had feelings for each other but it was nothing it meant nothing that's why we wasnt going to say anything."

"Is that all you did? just kiss." She looks broken and I feel even worse.

"Yeah just one kiss, the one time. When Dutch was away me and Bobby got close and thought we felt something but we admitted we were just lonely and there is nothing between us now."

"Ok if that's the case then why did it happen when he was with me, and when Dutch was out."

I groan and rub my face in my hands "I cant speak for Bobby but I think I just wanted to see if something was there, but as soon as we kissed I knew it was wrong and it meant nothing. We both realised that the people we were in love with was you and Dutch. I'm sorry I never wanted to hurt you."

"Hold up, so what would have happened if you did feel something would you have just left Dutch and I would have been tossed aside." She looks more angry now.

"No... I dont know... as it didnt mean anything, when did he tell you?"

"Last night he said he didnt want any secrets before we got married."

"So is he going to tell Dutch too?" I'm now worried.

"Is that what your worried about Dutch finding out your dirty little secret? Well I think he deserves to know the truth to, dont you?"

"Yeah he does I agree, I just know what Dutch is like, I've been trying to tell him for awhile and think it should come from me." I sit down now feeling sick. "What's going to happen with you and Bobby you're still going to marry him arent you?"

"I dont know, I'm really hurt by this as I'm still not convinced that you two arent in love with each other, all the arguments, sneaking around and you being vile to me all make sense now."

"Look if you dont mind can I just say something?" Emily pipes up "I've known these guys all my life they wouldnt do anything to hurt anyone well not on purpose. Bobby loves you so much which he has told me numerous times and I think he thought he did feel something for Vanessa but as soon as he met you he fell head over heels, dont throw away your future happiness because these two made a little mistake."

"Thanks Emily, your right but I've said what I need to say and now I just need time to think." 

"Angela I'm so sorry, genuinely sorry for the awful thing I did but dont take it out on Bobby he is a lovely decent guy and he really wants to marry you."

We hug it out, but I'm still not convinced that this is the end of this. I see her out as as soon as I shut the door I turn to see Emily looking at me in shock.

"Dont Emily ok, I already feel like shit."

"Well it's about to get worse as now you have to tell Dutch or she certainly will."

"I've tried to tell him but its never been the right time, he was already paranoid about me and Bobby."

"Yeah and he was clearly right to be, I cant believe neither of you told me about this."

"I couldnt I just felt so guilty about everything."

We go and sit outside and light the fire pit as we talk this crap to death going over and over the details and how I can tell Dutch without him killing me and Bobby after.

I'm already stressing to the max when the night takes a darker turn when I get a phone call off Johnny.

"Hey Johnny is everything alright?"

"No, Ness it's not, Dutch and Bobby have been arrested for fighting." 

"What? Oh my god why?" But I think I know exactly what that is about and I feel like I'm going to pass out.

"Um I think you know why? You will need to go and bail him out of the drunk tank in the morning." He sighs and sounds so disappointed in me.

"Johnny I can explain."

"Its not me you've got to explain yourself to,anyway I've got to go ive got to call Angela. Speak later ok."

And then he hangs up and I just start crying I really have fucked up this time and I dont know if I can fix this.


	27. Time to deal with the mess I created

About an hour later, Mike arrives back at the house, Emily answers the door and leads him out to the garden where I'm still sobbing like the pathetic baby that I am.

"Fucking hell cuz you could have given me a heads up or something. Did you know?" He says turning to Emily.

"No of course I didnt, I found out tonight when Angela turned up here to talk to Ness" she says looking exhausted by it all.

"Angela's been here! Wow it all really went down tonight didnt it? As I said you could have warned me." He says now sitting down by me and putting a comforting arm around my shoulder.

"What good would it have done even if you guys had known, I was just ashamed to tell anyone especially you two." I lean into his shoulder as I continue to silently sob.

"What good would it have done? Oh I dont know I could have stepped in and talked to Dutch or given Bobby a slap for even thinking that tonight was a good night to confess all his sins." He shakes his head and then starts stroking my hair to calm me down. "You did a shitty shitty thing, but at least it's out in the open now and you and Bobby have to do all you can to repair the damage you've done."

"What happened anyway? Is Dutch ok?" I say wiping the tears away and turn myself so I'm facing Mike.

"No of course he is not ok, he just found out you cheated on him with his best friend and now he is banged up again how could he be ok?"

Emily slaps Mike hard "For fuck sake Mike, have some tact here." 

"Tact, we are way passed tact here Em, Sorry Ness I love you but you really screwed up on this one."

He takes a deep sigh and then continues his story "I dont actually know what happened between them as we weren't there when the fight broke out. But Dutch was being a dick to Bobby all night making digs about you and him saying shit like 'you'll make a great family man as you had enough practice with mine.' Dumb shit like that all night long and I could see it took all Bobby's strength to bite his tongue."

"Typical childish Dutch!" Emily interjects "sorry Mike continue."

"Well after everyone had, had a few drinks Dutch went out for a cigarette and Bobby followed him the next thing we know one of the dancers came and told us that our friends were fighting outside, so me Johnny and Jimmy ran to stop them. When we got outside Dutch was just laying into Bobby and shouting about him kissing you and being in love with you, then the next thing we know the cops were called and arrested them both for being drunk and disorderly and disturbing the peace."

"Dutch is going to hate me, he is going to leave me I know it." Starting to sob again.

"No way he loves you so much honey, and when he calms down you guys can work this out." Emily tries to comfort me but its fruitless I know Dutch he will never forgive me for this, that guy can hold a grudge.

* * *

The next morning I wake up early after a really restless sleep and go to knock on the guest bedroom door when Emily and Mike stayed the night.

I enter the room after they call me in, they are both still under the covers and Mike looks really hungover and is drifting in and out of sleep as I try to talk to Emily.

"Morning guys, sorry to ask but would you be ok staying here for a bit, I'm going to pick Dutch up now and I dont want to come straight back here as I dont want the kids to hear us arguing."

"Yeah that's fine, we will wait here till you get back and just tell the kids you went out with Dutch somewhere. Good luck honey, I hope it will all work out and we are here if you need us, well I'm here for you hungover Mike will be of no use to anyone today." She says as she smiles at me sadly.

I say goodbye and then head to sort out this shit, not knowing what I'm walking into.

* * *

I pull up outside the police station and as I get out the car much to my distress I see fucking Bobby and Angela heading back to their car and there is no way they haven't seen me, but I cant deal with their shit now. I want to slap Bobby for letting out our secret we moved passed this and were all happy why did he have to tell them now.

I walk into the station and bail Dutch out, he comes out grabs his stuff and doesn't even make eye contact with me. We walk back to the car in total silence, he looks so downbeat, hungover and really sad I've never seen him like this and it breaks my heart.

"Dutch please talk to me." I say as we sit in the car.

"I dont know what to say to you, I cant even look at you." He says in pure disgust.

"Look can we go somewhere and talk please, I want to explain things to you and I dont want to do this in front of the kids."

"Yeah heaven forbid our kids find out that their perfect Mommy and Uncle Bobby are in love with each other."

"Dutch that's not fair and not true, please let's go to our spot to talk." I start the car and head towards the beach.

We drive in silence and he just chain smokes all the way over there. When we arrive we walk over to our cove, the beach is empty as it's a chilly morning and still really early.

I sit down and wait for him to join me, "Dutch I want to explain what happened with Bobby, I dont know what he told you but it was just one kiss, one time."

"The kiss is not what bothers me Vanessa, what bothers me is that I knew something was up between you two, and I still think there is something between you, you made out that I was crazy and you both lied to me about it."

"I'm sorry, I'm not proud of it and if we are to move forward from this I want to tell you the truth. When you left me I was down and alone and Bobby was there for me every step of the way, I knew he had feelings for me and I'll admit that I used that to my advantage. I thought that when you came out all my problems would go away, but when you did you never lived up to any of your promises and you let me down big time just lying around the house drinking and not helping."

"Oh so it's my fault? I needed time to adjust so that gave you cause to cheat on me."

"Yeah you know what Dutch it was your fault to a point you left me when I needed you most I had to raise four kids on my own because you thought money and drugs were more important than us."

He loses it now "and I've been fucking punished for that for 10 years! I served my time and I missed out on those years too, years with my kids and wife that I'll never get back and that was my punishment. Now I'm out I'm trying really trying and it is hard for me and I'm having a shit time, and now I've got to deal with the fact that all the while you were in love with my best friend."

"I'm not in love with him, I never was I did feel something for him but I think it was just because I wasnt get what I needed from you, and I thought when you came out I was going to live this fairytale but you were vile you spent a week on the sofa drinking whiskey and stinking like shit."

"Nice Vanessa, Nice as I said I was struggling I'd been stuck in those four walls for 10 years I just needed to let off a little steam. I'm trying now though, and I thought we were good. Is there any other little secrets that you want to get off your chest."

"Actually yes I think I need to clear my conscience of everything now in order for us to move forward in whatever way we will." I then stupidly tell him about kissing my colleague at the Christmas party.

"I dont fucking believe this, there was me being driven insane inside and you telling me how faithful you were and I knew you were fucking lying. So it wasnt one kiss one time, it was two kisses two guys."

"They didnt mean anything, I was lonely and thought I needed that connection with someone but all I was craving was you, that's why nothing became of either of them." He just sits there in silence staring out to the ocean.

"Dutch please talk to me, say something" I go to touch his hair and he moves away from my hand which stings alot.

"I dont know what to say, I dont know you right now and I have so much to process. I'm gonna go stay at Johnny's for a few days to get my head round all this."

He stands up so I stand up and get right in his face. "So you're just going to walk away, you havent lived with us for 10 years and now your going to walk away because I messed up, yet I stood by your side when you fucked up big time."

"Yeah you did until you got lonely" he says in a mocking tone. "Let me ask you this if you found out that I had kissed a girl last night could you forgive me. Yeah exactly your face says it all." 

"Dutch please, I love you and I'm sorry that I messed up I messed up big time, but I cant lose you, i lost you once and it destroyed me and I spent most of my life trying to get you back. Please don't leave me."

"I'm sorry Vanessa you should have thought of that before you threw yourself at two men." He storms off and once again just leaves me alone on the beach an empty shell of a woman and I have no one left to blame but myself.


	28. Time to heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start wrapping this one up now so only a couple of chapters left x

It's been two weeks since I last saw Dutch, he has been living at Johnny's since then and has only been back to the house when I'm out to grab some of his things.

Neither of us went to Bobby's wedding it would have just been too weird, the other guys went but I've also been avoiding them too I just cant deal with anybody and their judging, I've become a hermit only leaving the house for school runs and work, I'm still hurting too much to deal with anything else.

I've picked the twins up from school and I'm waiting for Leo to get back with Ava as he promised to pick her up from school for me.

I'm preparing our dinner of meatballs and spaghetti when Leo walks through the door alone.

"Um Leo have you forgot someone?" I ask looking confused.

"Yeah Ava asked if I would drop her around to uncle Johnny's so that she could see Dutch, sorry." He walks in and throws his keys and stuff on the kitchen side and goes to grab a coke from the fridge. "Sorry should I have told you first."

"No its ok sweetie, she has every right to go see her Dad." I say slightly disappointed.

"Mom are you ok? You've been avoiding everyone since Dutch moved out."

"He hasnt moved out?" I say shout defensively "sorry for snapping but yeah I cant deal with anyone right now, I dont want everyone getting involved with my life, Ava hates me, his parents hate me, his friends hate me, I've screwed up big time Leo."

"Ava doesn't hate you, she has just always been a daddy's girl and she just misses him and doesn't understand what's going on. Also I spoke to Nanna Eve and shes upset that you wont talk to her, she wants to help out but your wont let her. I mean are you really shutting everyone out because you and Bobby kissed."

"I'm not discussing that with you, but yeah Dutch is hurting and it's my fault and I dont know how to fix it and it's just so unfair as he messes up big time which affects all our lives and I'm left here bringing up you guys on my own, then he comes out I screw up and everyone turns on me and he is still mr perfect can do no wrong. Ava makes out I'm so evil she wont even talk to me as she thinks I've pushed her dad away."

"Look your not gonna fix this quickly as Dutch is really really hurting but he will come round soon and as for Ava give her time she is young and doesn't understand relationships and she just wants to see her mom and dad back together and happy."

"When did you get so wise?" I say as I start dishing up the dinner for just the four of us.

"I take after you I guess." He says smiling.

"Are you sure that youre going to be ok watching the kids while I'm at work?"

"Yeah of course I'll chill out here tonight it will be fine."

"Well when I'm gone will you call Dutch and ask him to bring Ava back tonight as she has dance class in the morning and I've left a few jobs for you to do for me if you dont mind."

"Yeah sure Mom of course I will, I'll clean up after dinner as well."

I finish getting ready, say goodbye to the twins and go to head to my night shift. 

"Have a good night Mom, be safe ok and dont worry about the kids and the house I've got it sorted."

"Thanks honey." I then head off to the hospital and glad that I've got somewhere else to go to distract me from the shit that is my life.

* * *

It's a typical Friday night at the hospital it's crazy busy, which was good for me as it kept my mind occupied and stopped me thinking about Dutch and our messed up situation.

However the next morning as I pull up on my drive I see Dutchs car parked In his usual spot and my stomach does a little flip flop thinking about seeing him again after 2 weeks. Then I realise I look like crap and I dont know if I am ready to see him again at all.

I walk into the house and see that it is actually really tidy, I'm shocked and then I walk into the den and see Dutch fast asleep on a makeshift bed that he has made on the sofa. He looks so gorgeous lying there, I would give anything to just curl up next to him, to feel his big arms around me, to feel safe entangled with him.

I call his name to gently wake him up. 

"Hey Vanessa, sorry I hope you dont mind that I stayed over." He looks so sleepy and gorgeous god this is so difficult.

"Of course not its your house, you could have crashed in our bedroom you know."

"Nah I thought that would be inappropriate and didnt know if you wanted to go to sleep as soon as you got back." He stands up and start to tidy up the sofa and his things. 

"No I'm gonna grab a quick breakfast and go and rest up for a bit do you want anything?" I say as I walk into the kitchen with him following behind me.

"Yeah I'll have a coffee, and some french toast if that's what you are doing?" He smiles at me and this almost feels normal.

"Yeah I'll make some now, not that I mind you being here but how come you are?" 

"Leo called and told me to bring Ava home and when I got here the kids asked me to stay and Leo looked like he needed help with the list of chores you left for him."

"Well I'm glad you are here, I've missed you." I say hopefully.

"I've missed you too" we just stare at each other and I dont know what to say to him "you look tired Vanessa, why dont you go have a lie down after you've eaten, I'll hang round here sort the kids out and do the kids clubs runs so you can rest up and then maybe later we can talk?."

"Yeah I'd like that and I appreciate that thank you so much" I feel my eyes starting to prick with tears but I cant break in front of him, not yet I dont want to scare him away and I dont know where his head is at.

I finish off my food, and then head up to bed, leaving Dutch downstairs watching t.v but really wishing that he would follow me upstairs, it hurts my heart the way we are.

* * *

I wake up from my sleep and I'm shocked to realise its 2pm jeez I really did need that sleep. I take a shower, and slip on my loungewear and then head down to see where the guys are. 

I'm pleased to find Dutch still here, him and the kids are watching a movie it's just like it should be.

"Hey guys, sorry Dutch I didnt mean to sleep that long? Hope I havent interrupted your plans for today?"

"Well you must have needed it so dont worry, and no, no place I'd rather be than here with you guys" he smiles at me and I feel a warmth spreading in my chest but I know I shouldn't get my hopes up.

I go and grab a coffee and then sit with them to watch the rest of the movie.

After the movie has finished, Dominic turns to me and asks what we are having for dinner as he is starving.

"Dad you are staying for dinner arent you?" Ava asks.

"Well that's up to your mom honey?" They all turn to me and look hopeful.

"Yeah of course, I'd love you too, Leo are you staying as well?" My heart is literally skipping a beat and I know I need to calm down, it's nothing just dinner.

"Nah I'm going out with my college buddies tonight so I better motor if I'm going to get ready." He says goodbye to us all and i see him out.

As we get to the door Leo hugs me and whispers "See he is here now and wants to stay, talk to him after dinner mom dont let the moment pass, tell him how you feel ok?." 

"I will sweetie I love you so much" I say as I hug him back.

We have dinner and talk about clubs the kids went to today and all about school, it's just a normal family dinner and I love it.

After dinner the twins go up to their room to play and Ava hangs round for a bit clearly happy that we are both in the same room again and is even being civil to me which is great. Eventually she goes to finish her homework off and leaves us alone in the den to talk.

I pour us both a glass of wine and wait to see if he will speak first.

"I've really enjoyed today Vanessa, I'm glad that I came over." He turns to me and smiles.

"I'm glad you did to, and I appreciate your help i needed it. Dutch I'm so sorry about everything do you think you can ever forgive me.?"

"I have forgiven you, but I cant just forget what happened but i realise that i messed up too and you forgave me when it would have been easier for you to walk away all those years ago." He reaches across to take my hand.

"I love you so much and these 2 weeks have been awful I have felt like shit and all I wanted to do was reach out to you and hold you but knew you needed your space and time to heal." I feel my eyes starting to sting with tears again but this time I let them flow, he needs to know that I'm not ok, im hurting and I need him.

"Yeah I needed space, but Johnny made me see sense he knows how much I love you and how much it hurts to be a part from you and the kids and Leo told me how upset you have been and that you wont see anyone."

"Yeah everyone hates me so I just wanted to stay away I didnt know how to deal with their questions and judgemental looks."

"No one hates you, you did a stupid thing but I forgive you, I understand it in away you were alone and that was my fault but I'm here now and I promise you'll never be lonely again."

I look up when I realise what he said "so do you mean you want to work things out?"

"Yeah that's if you will have me back?"

"Of course I will, as if you could ever doubt that, I love you so much Babe, I promise I'll never screw up again all I want is you, all I have ever wanted is you?"

He leans in and kisses me softly as he does we hear the three kids cheer from the stairwell which makes us both laugh. My beautiful crazy family is getting back together and I'll do anything in my power to keep it this way.


	29. The future looks bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here it is the last chapter.
> 
> Dutch and Vanessa were part of my first fanfiction and I've adored writing them and I'm glad that I finally get to give them the happy ending that they deserve.

September 2020

Since me and Dutch made up things have gone from strength to strength now that there isnt any secrets between us. Things couldnt be better I finally have the family life that I dreamed of all that time he was in prison.

We have both made up with Bobby and Angela, more for Dutch really they have been friends for years and its shame for them to fall out. I've forgiven Bobby for letting our secret out in such a bad way, but I guess he had to do it for himself and so that his marriage didnt start with a lie, however we wont ever be as close as we were before which does make me sad but that's the way life is sometimes.

Talking of my perfect life, Dutch is currently shouting up the stairs for me to hurry up, it's the 15th anniversary of when we got back together at the reunion weekend and he apparently has a huge surprise for me.

I know we are going for a meal at the restaurant we all met up at all those years ago, it's crazy it literally feels like yesterday that I was getting anxious about seeing him again and here we are 15 years later stronger than ever. Yes it's been a rollercoaster but I wouldnt change it, it's our crazy life but I always knew life with Dutch would never ever be boring.

I check myself over in the mirror and then head downstairs where Dutch is waiting for me looking gorgeous in a shirt and dark Jean's. He is older now, but still ruggedly handsome, a dangerous handsome that still takes my breath away and makes my stomach do that crazy flip flop when I see him smile his lopsided smile or when he looks at me with those gorgeous dark eyes.

"Wow Babe you look amazing." He says as I walk down the stairs in my long silver coloured silk slip dress that hugs in all the right places and I know it, I know exactly what he likes and what he likes on me.

I give him a kiss and then walk into the kitchen to give Emily and Mike their orders for the night as they have offered to babysit for us tonight as it's going to be a late one.

"Wow Ness you look amazing, how are you in your 50s seriously?" Emily says hugging me.

"Mom you look like a princess." Ava pipes up.

"Ah guys stop it I wont fit my head out of the door soon, you are all so lovely." I give everyone a kiss and a hug as we head out of the door and go to the restaurant where it all started again for us.

* * *

"I've never told you that night I was so nervous waiting for you to walk into the restaurant not knowing how you would act towards me or if you even wanted to see me." He says as we start to eat our food.

"I cant imagine that you were nervous you scooped me up in your big arms with the confidence that I've always seen in you." I say laughing softly.

"No I was I really was, but when I saw the way you looked at me I knew you were still my girl."

"I've have always been Dutchs girl and you've always been my Cobra Kai bad boy." He smiles at this.

"We have been through so much to get to this point in our lives, but I'm happy we are here. I cant wait for you to see the surprise I've got for you later."

"That's mean you cant keep teasing me, give me a hint?" I say grabbing his hand across the table.

"No way, it will ruin it, you've only got to wait a little while longer."

We finish our dinner, telling each other more stories and remembering the good times that we have had through the years.

When we leave the restaurant I go to get in the car, and he stops me.

"Babe do you trust me?" He says as he drops a kiss on my forehead.

"Of course I do, with my life you know this."

"Ok well I'm going to blindfold you now so you dont guess the surprise." 

I look at him weirdly but agree, he ties a scarf around my eyes and checks that I cant see. Then he helps me into the car.

We are driving for about 20 minutes and I'm totally disoriented really havent got a clue where we are going and what he has in store for me.

* * *

"Right beautiful let me lead you where I need you to be." 

"Ok, is my surprise that you have turned into Christian Grey?" I say chuckling as I apprehensively follow him.

"Who the fuck is Christian Grey?"

"Seriously Babe you still have so much to catch up on, you were only in prison not on Mars." I say teasing him.

As I'm walking I can smell the salty spray from the sea and I can hear the ocean it sounds like we are at his parents house.

He leads me up some stairs, and then I hear him open a door.

"You can remove the blindfold now Babe, welcome home."

I remove it and I'm shocked I'm standing in front of a beautiful beach house.

"Oh my god Dutch is this for real?" 

"Yeah I brought this for you, for us I picked up the keys yesterday."

I scream and hug and kiss him "thank you so much I cant believe this are we in Malibu then?"

"Yeah we are! Just down from my parents but this is all ours, our place to grow old in, our place to wake up next to each other while watching the ocean, shall we go in?"

"Yeah of course, I'm so excited this is amazing I thought this was going to be our retirement home."

"Well it's our summer and weekend house for now, and when the kids are older then we can sell up and move here for good."

He shows me around the around the place, it is so beautiful and the views are breathtaking we have a wrap around balcony and a pool I just cant believe it it's my dream home with my dream man, I cant believe how lucky I am.

"I cant wait to start decorating and making this our own, I love it I'm so excited." I say walking into the different rooms.

He follows me around loving how happy I am "yeah its exciting but we need to hide the keys from Leo he thinks his is going to use this place as his college party palace slash bachelor pad."

"Oh no no no, that's never going to happen the only people having sex in this house is us." 

"Hmmmm now your talking" he says grabbing me around my waist and pulling me towards him. He kisses me softly at first then the kisses get deeper and deeper.

He helps me remove my dress, and then he takes off his Jean's and shirt, man his body still sends me wild even after all these years, this body that I know every last inch of, I just cant keep my hands off him.

He picks me up, so I wrap my legs around him still kissing him as he puts me on top of the kitchen counter.

He kisses me all the way down my breasts and stomach making me come out in goosebumps all over, he starts to mouth me through the damp cotton material of my panties, which he then he pulls aside and laps right up the centre of my core making me moan out really loud.

He chuckles "I love hearing you make those noises and knowing that I'm doing that to you." He slips his thick fingers inside me "Moan some more for me Babe I want to make you cum in our new home."

He pumps me harder and harder as he licks at my clit, I feel so sensitive as I buckle and cum hard screaming his name.

He kisses back up my body and kisses me so that I can taste myself. He kisses and sucks at my neck, then moves slightly south to lick and flick at my nipples.

He pulls down his boxers, massages himself before rubbing up and down my opening and then entering me roughly.

"Fucking hell Dutch, you feel so good." I kiss his neck, and dig my nails into his back and ass deeply.

"Fuck me harder please dont be gentle." I feel that I'm close to a second orgasm and I need him to keep hitting it as he is.

"Shit Babe I'm gonna cum" he pumps harder until we both reach climax at the same time.

We stay connected as we keep kissing, I just want to kiss him all over his face and neck I cant get enough of this man "I love you so much."

He looks me right in my eye, "I know you do, and I love you too."

We clean up, lock up the house but go and sit on the beach to watch the waves before heading home.

"I feel happy here, thank you for this and for well everything."I say as I'm sitting in between his legs and resting my head against his chest.

He kisses the top of my head and hugs me from behind "im glad that you like everything and I cant wait to grow old here with you, watching our grandkids play on this beach and run in and out of the water. I also want to own dogs, lots of dogs that I can jog up and down the beach with."

"Dutch you have just described heaven to me." And he really has, it's taken us awhile to get here and we've taken the hard long route to happiness but I'm so glad that im here with my beautiful husband and now I cant wait for the future to start.


End file.
